Briefly Noted: Shaming Men Doesn’t Work

If shame really worked, our culture would already look healthier, and our relationships would already feel easier. On top of that, when we talk about shaming men, we’re not all talking about the same thing.

Culturally: when men as a group are talked about in broad strokes (“men are trash,” “men don’t want to grow up”). That framing might feel cathartic, but in practice it’s counterproductive. It hardens defenses and pushes people further apart.

Interpersonally: where one partner shames the other. In my experience as a therapist, this is mainly an indirect way to express anger. At best, it’s an unskillful start to a conversation; at worst, it shuts the whole thing down before it begins.

I don’t know the cultural solution, but in relationships, there are far more effective tools than shame: clear requests, curiosity, and naming the underlying need rather than attacking.

None of these guarantee change, but they create the conditions where change is possible. If we want healthier relationships, we’ll need better tools than shame.