Briefly Noted: My Wife Doesn’t Understand Me (and It's Fine)

Understanding isn’t everything.

For a long time there was an unfounded stereotype that men didn’t have feelings. Now we sometimes see the opposite: men wanting every feeling validated.

That shift makes sense. Being mocked or dismissed when you open up hurts. But after twenty years of marriage I’ve come to a different conclusion.

When it comes to feelings, understanding isn’t everything. Belief is enough.

I’m a psychologist married to a lawyer. When I describe what I’m feeling, I can usually give a detailed internal narrative. My wife, on the other hand, often responds as if it’s an invitation to debate, especially when we disagree. She has questions, and not the open-ended help-me-understand-you kind. More like a cross-examination.

Early in our marriage, this drove me crazy. I would try to convince her that my feelings were valid, and the conversations became long and frustrating. What I wanted from her was understanding, but instead I kept trying to prove myself.

After several years, I realized something: my wife might never understand my inner world, because that’s not how her mind works. That realization hit me hard. I even found myself wondering if I could thrive in a marriage where my partner didn’t really get me.

The answer turned out to be yes. But not for the reason I expected.

What I’ve slowly come to understand is that my wife doesn’t have to deeply understand my feelings. She just has to believe my feelings are real and negotiate with me in good faith. That’s really it.

Of course, deep understanding is ideal in any relationship. And in those moments when I simply want to share complex or painful feelings, I wish it were easier. But when you pick a partner, you pick a set of problems, and this emotional mismatch is simply part of the deal in our relationship.

Over time, an irony emerged. My wife may not relate to my feelings the way I do, but after all these years she can usually predict them. And in a long marriage, that turns out to be its own kind of understanding.