Can this Marriage be Saved?
When I was a kid, my mother would sometimes pick up a copy of Ladies Home Journal from the supermarket. One of her favorite columns was Can This Marriage Be Saved? This column presented real-life marital problems, written by a spouse (usually a wife), asking the columnist to weigh on the viability of the relationship.
Spoiler alert: the answer to the question was almost always yes, it can be saved, usually through a combination of communication, empathy, and therapy. The no, it can’t answer was usually reserved for chronic abuse, addiction, or adultery.
“Just because a relationship can be saved doesn’t necessarily mean that it should be saved. So the question becomes: How do I know if saving this relationship is worth the effort?”
As a couples therapist, I tend to agree with that. In the absence of the most severe problems, a relationship can almost always be saved if there is enough trust, effort and commitment on the part of both people.
But just because a relationship can be saved doesn’t necessarily mean that it should be saved. So the question becomes: How do I know if saving this relationship is worth the effort?
Of course, I can’t answer that question definitively for any couple, but I can provide some ways to think about the viability of your relationship and the level of effort it would take to repair it.
Six Ways to Assess Relationship Viability
1. Years Together: How long have you been together? After the first few years of marriage, the shine begins to wear off and the reality begins to set in. At this point, you can’t ignore the chronic problems that keep arising or cover them over with sex and romance. The thing to ask yourself is have we given ourselves enough time in the post-honeymoon phase of this relationship to see these issues clearly enough to formulate a plan to deal with them.
2. Impact on Others: How many people would be impacted? For example, if you have no kids, don’t own a home, and have separate social support systems, then a break-up or divorce could be relatively straightforward. But if you have others in the home such as young children or elderly parents, or if you own a business together, then more people will be impacted. These may not turn out to be strong enough reasons to stay together, but it’s still worth thinking through the potential impact on others.
3. Expectations: What were your expectations coming into the relationship? If your expectations were too low – perhaps you met, moved in together too soon, or had a child, and accidentally found yourself in a long-term relationship you hadn’t planned – now is the time to think about what you really want. If your expectations were too high –you thought you found your soulmate and would live happily and effortlessly ever after– ask yourself if you are comparing your relationship to an unrealistic ideal.
4. Past Relationships: Are there any past relationship patterns playing out for you? Think back all the way back to high school and ask yourself how long these relationships lasted and why they ended. Who ended it? Have you pursued the same time of person repeatedly? If you find any significant patterns, these could be things to think about, journal about, or talk to someone about so that you don’t inadvertently repeat a maladaptive pattern of staying too long or leaving too soon.
5. Potential Changes: What changes could you make that might help the situation? It’s easy for many people in this situation to think up things they’d like their partner to do differently while having no constructive ideas about what they could do differently. Too often the strategy becomes trying to convince their partner that they are right their partner is wrong. Instead, focus on the one person you can change – yourself.
6. Other People: Is there someone else influencing your thinking about your relationship? Perhaps a friend or relative who doesn’t like your partner, or a colleague who talks about how great life is since their divorce? And of course, if you are having an affair, that certainly has the potential to affect your thinking. Even so-called “emotional affairs” have the potential to do lasting damage because they not only take your emotional energy from the partnership, but also create an unfair comparison to an idealized partner.
Seven Signs that Your Relationship is Worth Saving
When a relationship is too full of challenges, it’s easy to become stuck in a negative view of your partner, in part because you are too focused on what you don't like about them. You no longer think about the good things. Therefore, it’s important to consider whether any of the following signs apply to your relationship.
1. Love and Friendship: You still have positive feelings for your partner, even if you feel them less than you used to. You still love them and want to spend time with them. The opposite of love in this case isn’t hatred, it’s indifference. If you still feel emotionally engaged, that’s a good sign.
2. Breakup Threats: You mostly talk about breaking up when you’re angry, and after you’ve calmed down you reconsider. The breakup threat is mainly a way to say my needs aren’t being met! And although this isn’t a very effective way to communicate that need, you can learn better conflict skills and possibly save the relationship.
3. Self-Reflection: You are prepared to consider your own contribution to the problems. Some people blame their partner for everything, but a wise person can see the bigger picture. If you can avoid the mistake of blaming them for everything, it gives you the power to make important changes.
4. Past Successes: If the two of you have solved other problems, this can be a cause for optimism. Having overcome obstacles in the past suggest that you could do it again, even if it seems like a much bigger problem. Think about what helped you resolve past conflicts and ask yourself if you could use those same strategies again.
5. Trust: You feel that your partner has your back. They are not just in it for themselves, and you feel safe enough to be vulnerable. This will help you talk openly about how you feel and what you need. If you have a reasonable expectation of understanding and empathy from your partner, you may be able to improve the relationship.
6. Patience: You don’t expect instant results. Relationship issues can take time to resolve, and at first therapy can seem to increase conflict. This can make it seem like things are getting worse, but if you can look past this, the therapy process can do two things at once: resolve conflict while also improving conflict skills, which lead to longer-term improvements.
7. Commitment: You want the relationship to work, you’re just not sure how. You’re all in, if it isn’t hopeless. This is a good sign, especially if both people feel this way. You can leverage your commitment to come up with new ways to make things work, whether it’s therapy or some other approach.
Is This Relationship Worth the Effort?
You might think about this question from two points of view, each of which aligns with two somewhat opposite ways our culture views relationships. One is the romantic view that great relationships are built on connection and chemistry. If you subscribe to this view, then you might think that if your relationship is full of problems, it would be better to find someone who is a better fit.
Gottman research has that when you pick a partner, you pick a set of problems. Pick a different partner, you get a different set of problems. So, you might decide that these particular problems in this relationship aren’t worth the trouble.
The other view is that great relationships are based on mutual trust and commitment to an intimate friendship defined by love, respect, and shared meaning. If you subscribe to this view, then you might think that with enough effort you could make a relationship work with a variety of people. You don’t need to be soulmates – you just need to be allies.
The corollary to the Gottman finding above is that every relationship is going to have problems because any two people with have friction. Relationship success is defined far more by what people do than who they are.
The question is: which view feels more relevant to you?
If you would like more information on how to apply these concepts to your relationship, schedule a Free Consultation.