Four Communication Behaviors That Can Kill Your Marriage
The Four Horsemen
Imagine a couple trying to resolve a simple disagreement about household chores. What begins as a straightforward conversation quickly spirals into a heated exchange—one partner becomes defensive, the other criticizes sharply, and before long, they’re not even discussing the original issue. Instead of solving the problem, they’re entrenched in a battle of words, where every sentence drives them further apart.
This is the destructive power of what psychologist John Gottman calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," toxic behaviors that can turn even the smallest issues into relationship landmines, derailing communication and sowing seeds of resentment that, if left unchecked, can eventually destroy a marriage.
John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and researcher, has devoted much of his career to understanding what makes marriages work—and what leads them to crumble. His research spans decades and has involved observing thousands of couples, providing him with a vast dataset that demonstrates the dynamics that can either strengthen or weaken a marital bond.
“What makes the Four Horsemen particularly insidious is that they often go unnoticed until significant damage has already been done.”
One of his most significant contributions to the field of relationship psychology is the identification of what he terms the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." These are specific behaviors that, when present in a relationship, signal severe issues and can predict the eventual breakdown of a marriage with startling accuracy.
The Four Horsemen are not just minor issues that can be brushed aside; they are toxic patterns of interaction that, if left unaddressed, can erode the very foundation of a marriage. Gottman’s research has shown that these behaviors are often subtle at first, creeping into everyday conversations and disagreements. However, their effects are cumulative, slowly but surely undermining the trust, respect, and love that are essential for a healthy, lasting relationship.
“Criticism and contempt undermine mutual respect and foster resentment, while defensiveness and stonewalling hinder effective communication and conflict resolution. ”
What makes the Four Horsemen particularly insidious is that they often go unnoticed until significant damage has already been done. Couples may not recognize the harmful patterns in their interactions or may underestimate the long-term impact of these behaviors. Over time, what might start as a minor irritation or a simple misunderstanding can escalate into a full-blown communication breakdown, where partners no longer feel heard, valued, or connected.
Gottman’s studies reveal that couples who frequently engage in these toxic behaviors are at a much higher risk of divorce. In fact, he has been able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether a couple will divorce within a few years based on the presence or absence of these negative interaction patterns. This startling statistic underscores the importance of identifying and addressing these behaviors early on in a relationship.
“By recognizing these toxic behaviors and taking proactive steps to change them, couples can reverse the downward spiral and rebuild a strong, healthy relationship”
The impact of the Four Horsemen goes beyond just the individuals in the marriage. When a relationship becomes toxic, it can affect every aspect of a person’s life, from mental and physical health to job performance and social relationships. The stress and emotional pain caused by a deteriorating marriage can lead to anxiety, depression, and a host of other health issues. Moreover, if children are involved, they too can suffer from the effects of a troubled marriage, potentially carrying emotional scars into their own adult relationships.
While the Four Horsemen may seem daunting, Gottman’s research also offers hope. By recognizing these toxic behaviors and taking proactive steps to change them, couples can reverse the downward spiral and rebuild a strong, healthy relationship. Effective communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to address issues as they arise are key components in overcoming these challenges. With the right tools and commitment, couples can navigate through difficulties and emerge stronger on the other side.
In this blog series, we’ll delve into the specifics of each of the Four Horsemen, exploring how they manifest in relationships and, more importantly, how they can be countered. By understanding these dynamics, couples can learn to protect their relationship from the toxic patterns that threaten to destroy it, paving the way for a more fulfilling and lasting partnership.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and Their Antidotes
Horseman #1
Criticism
Criticism involves attacking a partner’s character or personality rather than addressing specific complaints. It strikes at the character of your partner rather than their behavior. It feels like a personal attack, fosters resentment and defensiveness, which makes it difficult to resolve conflicts constructively.
Whether or not it’s intentional, when you’re critical, you take your feelings about a situation and aim them at your partner. The target becomes who your partner is as a person.
Examples of criticism are:
“You never help out around here.”
“You’re always taking his side.”
“Why can’t you be more considerate?”
It’s not too hard to imagine what the underlying complaint might be in these cases, things like feeling overwhelmed with housework, unsupported in a conflict, or neglected. But notice how those feelings are left unspoken in these statements and instead turn into the emotional fuel for a personal attack. The problem is you: you’re unhelpful, unsupportive, inconsiderate.
Here is the difference between a complaint and a criticism. While there may be a legitimate grievance in which those feelings line up with behaviors, painting the person as inherently faulty not only creates a logical conundrum (if they were truly defective by nature, how could they change?) but also tends to push them into a defensive posture that will make them far less likely to hear the complaint.
Here are a few rules of thumb to identify criticism. You can use these indicators to monitor your own speech, and to notice when your partner may be getting escalated. so that you can initiate repair.
Exaggerating
In an effort to communicate the level of frustration someone is feeling, criticism often involves exaggeration, using language such as “always,” “never,” “constantly,” and the like. We might say “You’re so lazy – you never do the dishes” because that’s how it feels. But by framing that feeling as an exaggerated fault in our partner, they may only hear that there is something wrong with them, which will usually make them feel insulted and defensive.
Interrogating
“Why didn’t you do the dishes today?” This kind of question sounds innocent enough, and while we may be genuinely curious, our partner is most likely going to hear it as criticism, that there is something wrong with them for not doing the dishes. And let’s face it, even if our partner answers the question at face value, their response is not really going to satisfy us because we are probably more interested in them doing the dishes than in their reasons. This is especially true if there is already tension around the issue.
Teasing
Teasing our partner about something we wish were different can seem harmless or even playful, but is often a passive (or passive-aggressive) way of saying what we want without being direct. Our jokes usually include at least a hint of truth in it, and that is probably how our partner will hear it. They may feel particularly criticized and embarrassed if we make them the butt of a joke in front of others.
Shoulding
You’ve probably heard that when we direct “should” statements towards ourselves we can wind up with feelings guilt, shame, or anxiety. Likewise, when we direct these kinds of statements toward others, such as our partner, they can also feel judged and shamed. For example, saying, “You should have known I would want the dishes done” or “You shouldn’t load the dishwasher that way” implies that there is something wrong with them for not knowing.
Correcting
Some of us have a strong sense that there is a “right” way to do certain things, even with things that are commonly done different ways by different people. The problem is that we can become critical of the way our partner does those things, which can be a powerful form of non-verbal criticism. For example, perhaps you and your partner load the dishwasher differently, and you believe your way is the best way. This subtle form of criticism comes when you reload it to correct their mistake.
Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start Up
One of the reasons criticism is so prevalent in relationships is because it is a way for us to express our feelings without being vulnerable. However, without the willingness to own our feelings and be vulnerable to our partner’s empathy (or possibly their lack of it), we make our feelings their fault. Then we’ve not only fundamentally mistaken the nature of our problem, we’ve also acted out our feelings in the form of criticism rather than communicated them.
Outer Versus inner Problems
Instead, we need to make a clear distinction between our outer problems and our inner problems. An outer problem is the thing we have a complaint about: the dishes not getting done. The inner problem is our uncomfortable feelings we’re having: the frustration, disappointment, or resentment.
The reason is obvious when you think about it. The external problem is something that our partner can do something about because the dishes exist in the external world, as does their own behavior, whereas our feelings our part of our mind. We are the only ones who can feel and manage them.
Now, it’s clear that there is a relationship between inner and outer problems. Certain things happen, we get feelings. We can see this correlation in our own experience. But what isn’t true is that correlation exists for everyone. Meaning that if you were to drop a different person in that same situation, they might have a very different set of feelings.
So, it’s very important to understand that while we can ask our partner for help with an external problem, we need to manage our own feelings. This is the true antidote to criticism, and it has the potential to solve both our inner and our outer problem.
If we communicate our feelings without blaming them on our partner, describe the external situation as neutrally as we can, and say what we need as clearly as possible, we will have a much better chance of feeling understood because we’re stating it in a way that’s much easier for our partner to hear and empathize.
Gentle Start Up
A simple way to put these kinds of statements together is to remember the formula:
1. “I feel…
2. About…
3. I need.”
Here are some examples of ways to communicate about the dishes using a gentle start up.
"I feel overwhelmed when see a sink full of dishes that the end of the night. I need a schedule so I know who’s responsible on which night.”
“I feel angry when you’ve said you’ll do the dishes and they don’t get done. I need you to do them within a certain time frame. Let’s talk about expectations.
“I feel exhausted doing two hours of childcare and housework at the end of a long day at work. I need you to take over the dishes so I can at least get that off my plate.”
An important thing to remember about Gentle Start Up is that is the beginning of a longer discussion. Once we have communicated our feelings, perspective, and needs in a way that our partner can hear and understand, then it is their turn to do the same. From there, unless it’s a very simple issue, there will probably have to be a deeper conversation about compromise, because while it is essential to state our needs so that our partner can understand them, it’s not always going to be possible for our partner to meet them.
Horseman #2
Contempt
Contempt is considered the most damaging of the four behaviors and it’s a real intimacy killer. It usually arises when we are getting flooded during a conflict and manifests in the form of sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, sneering, or hostile humor. Contempt conveys a sense of superiority and disrespect that’s meant to insult your partner into your way of thinking.
“Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It makes your partner feel worthless and despised, and it is poison to a relationship. It erodes the mutual respect essential for a healthy relationship, and it is a strong predictor of divorce and even disease.”
Examples of contempt are:
“It’s like I’m talking to a teenager.”
“How could you be so naive?”
“You’re an idiot.”
It’s easy to imagine how we might get to the point of saying this kind of thing. Maybe we’re upset because our partner isn’t listening to us, can’t understand us, or thinks our perspective isn’t valid. We’re so incensed that we describe them exactly how they look to us, which isn’t pretty. It conveys a sense of “I’m better than you. I don’t respect you.”
Contempt is the Most Toxic Emotion between Married Partners
Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It makes your partner feel worthless and despised, and it is poison to a relationship. It erodes the mutual respect essential for a healthy relationship, and it is a strong predictor of divorce and even disease. Research has shown that high-contempt couples are more likely to acquire infectious diseases than low-contempt couples.
When contempt begins to infect a relationship, we forget our partner’s good qualities and focus entirely on their faults, which we exaggerate during a conflict. Worse, it tends to pervade the relationship even during non-conflict times, leading to negative sentiment override.
This depletion of mutual admiration is the reason why contempt is a relationship killer. Contempt erodes the bonds that hold a couple together. It’s impossible to build intimacy and connection when you can’t respect your partner, which is the main reason why contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce.
What Does Contempt Look Like?
Ramya and Rohit booked an appointment with me in a last-ditch attempt to save their marriage of six years. Rohit had been feeling dismissed and shamed by Ramya since they had their first child, but he had not challenged her on it because she had been suffering with post-partum depression and he thought it would go away as she recovered. But it didn’t, and he was beginning to think the marriage might be over because he couldn’t stand to listen to her. Here is a basic transcript of a conversation they had in my office. Their names have been changed to preserve their anonymity.
Rohit: “Why do you speak to me this way? I feel terrible when you say things like that. You make me sound like a fool, and I’m not a fool.”
Ramya: “I’m just telling you how I feel. These are the facts.”
Rohit: “The things you say hurt me. I don’t understand the point you’re trying to make, or why you’re making it in this way. I feel like you hate me.”
Ramya “I’m constantly disappointed by things you say and do. Your behavior doesn’t make sense to me. You act like a child.”
Notice that Ramya seems unwilling or unable to acknowledge Rohit’s experience and continues to insult him.
Rohit: “If I spoke to you in the same way, you would lose your mind.”
Ramya (rolls her eyes): “Whatever.”
At this point in their relationship, Rohit has stopped being affectionate towards Ramya and has lost interest in sex and other kinds of intimacy. Although Ramya complains about this, she ignores his complaints about the cause of their disconnect. Contempt has taken over their relationship.
Antidote to Contempt: Fondness and Admiration
First the good news: the high correlation between contempt and divorce is contingent on the frequency of contempt behaviors not changing over time. That means if we reverse the pattern of contempt in our relationship our chance of saving the marriage rises significantly.
Fondness and Admiration
The main antidote lies in building up the fondness and admiration with the relationship. This means building a culture of appreciation and respect. For example regularly expressing gratitude and acknowledging positive aspects of one's partner can counteract contempt and foster a more positive relationship dynamic.
For many of us stuck in a cycle of contempt, this can be a bit of a heavy lift at first because we are so used to contemplating our partner’s faults that they have come to seem like an inherently faulty person. But if we check, we can see that though they do have some qualities that we dislike, they also have many good qualities.
Changing our View from Negative to Positive
To remind ourselves of their good qualities, it’s often helpful to step outside of our usual view of our partner and instead think of how we viewed them when we were first getting to know them, and why we liked them in the first place. It’s unlikely that those qualities are no longer there. It’s more likely that we have simply been ignoring them.
“If a couple can reboot their fondness and admiration for each other, they are far more likely to look at conflict resolution as a team effort rather than an adversarial one. ”
Another way is to think about how other people see them. Think of the people who love them, people like their mother or their children. Even if we can’t work our way into a positive view of them right away, we can at least acknowledge that how we see them isn’t the only way to see them, and that they have good qualities that other people appreciate!
How to Generate Fondness
In the context of the Gottman Method, the standard way to improve fondness and admiration is to ask couples about their past. How did they meet? What were their first impressions of each other? How did they fall in love?
When a relationship is in distress, partners are unlikely to generate much fondness by talking about the current situation. Talking about the happy events of the past, however, helps many couples reconnect.
If a couple can reboot their fondness and admiration for each other, they are far more likely to look at conflict resolution as a team effort rather than an adversarial one. By growing that sense of “we-ness” a couple can regenerate the sense of connection they felt when they first met.
When I’m in the therapy room, I know a couple has a good chance to recover their fondness when I witness a spark of affection when I ask them how they fell in love. They talk about how attractive they thought their partner was. How funny they were. How nervous and excited they felt around each other. Underneath all that stress and resentment, there is still a glowing ember of limerence. The next step is to begin a process of fanning that ember back into flame by working to creating a culture of appreciation and respect.
The Gottman Method teaches us to look at our partner through rose-colored glasses. Instead of trying to catch them doing something wrong, catch them doing something right and express appreciation or admiration. Even the little things. “I like how you handled that situation with the kids.” “Thank you for going to the grocery store.” “I appreciate you washing the car before my big client meeting.”
Because it’s so destructive, identifying contempt is an essential first step towards getting a relationship back on track.
Horseman #3
Defensiveness
Defensiveness typically arises in response to criticism. When we’re criticized, it’s easy to feel attacked and vulnerable. Defensiveness is a logical response because it involves protecting ourselves in a variety of ways, such as denying there’s a problem, playing the victim, or getting insulted. Unfortunately, these kinds of responses will usually escalate a conflict rather than solve it.
For example, if your partner says, "You forgot to buy groceries again," a defensive response might be, "Why is this my fault? Why don’t you go to the store?" This behavior shifts the blame to your partner and prevents constructive dialogue.
Although we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves for getting defensive – it’s a natural response to criticism – it not only shuts down dialogue, it signals to your partner that their concerns don’t matter. This is especially true if defensiveness is (or has become) you go-to response to any request your partner makes. At it’s worst, it can come off as self-centered or even narcissistic.
How to Recognize Defensiveness
Defensiveness can come in a variety of forms. Here are different forms of the defensive responses, for example if our partner said “You never wash the dishes!”
Counterattacking
"You always leave your stuff lying around, so why should I care about the dishes?"
Playing the Victim
"I have so much on my plate already, and now you're blaming me for this too?"
Denial
"That's not true; I did the dishes last week!"
Making Excuses
"I was going to do them, but I had a really busy day at work."
Deflecting
"Why are you making such a big deal out of the dishes? There are more important things to worry about."
Ignoring
"Whatever, let's just order takeout."
Minimizing
"It's just a few dishes; it's not the end of the world."
Blaming External Factors
"The sink is too small; it's hard to wash dishes in there."
What all these responses have in common is avoidance of the issue by parrying the criticism and very often escalating the conflict.
Antidote to Defensiveness: Taking Responsibility
The primary antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility. Acknowledging even a small part of the issue can de-escalate tension and promote resolution. Here is an example of the difference:
“By taking responsibility for our part of the problem, we are acknowledging our partner’s feelings and perspective, preventing the conflict from escalating and working through the problem together.”
Complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”
Defensiveness: “I was just too busy today. You know how busy my schedule is! Why didn’t you just do it?”
Taking responsibility: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be too busy. Let me call them right now.”
By taking responsibility for our part of the problem, we are acknowledging our partner’s feelings and perspective, preventing the conflict from escalating and working through the problem together.
Here are some ways to practice taking responsibility and avoiding defensiveness:
Letting Go of Being Right
Letting go of being right doesn’t mean that you have to be wrong, It just means acknowledging that your view isn’t the only one in the room. And if you love your partner, you’re going to want to understand and acknowledge their view, even if it’s different from your own. Even if you can’t understand it. Perhaps especially if you can’t understand it because it will give you an opportunity to ask questions, which will help them feel understood.
The Gottman model says that we need to “yield to win,” meaning that we gain much more when we can relax our view and see things through our partner’s eyes. We’ll wind up much happier in the end than if we stuck to our guns and fight our partner to a standoff.
Self-Soothing
Self-soothing involves taking deliberate steps to calm the physiological arousal that increases when we feel attacked. Techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and taking a 20-minute break can help reduce stress levels and allow for a more constructive conversation. By practicing self-soothing, we can manage our emotional responses better, preventing defensive reactions and increasing the probability that we will respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
Non-Defensive Listening
Non-defensive listening emphasizes active listening, where the listener focuses entirely on the speaker's words, then paraphrases their statements to ensure comprehension, and asks clarifying questions if needed. By doing so, the listener shows empathy and a willingness to understand, which can de-escalate conflicts and foster a more supportive communication environment.
Although this can be challenging when we are faced with criticism or contempt, over time this technique has the potential to make the entire cycle of conflict calmer, more productive, and less volatile and hurtful.
Emotional Attunement
Emotional attunement involves actively listening, validating emotions, and responding with empathy rather than rebuttal. When one partner expresses a concern or criticism, an emotionally attuned response would focus on acknowledging their feelings and demonstrating understanding, rather than immediately defending oneself. This approach reduces the likelihood of escalating conflicts and fosters a supportive and compassionate environment.
Repair Attempts
Repair attempts are small gestures or statements aimed at de-escalating tension during conflicts. They include actions like using humor, expressing affection, offering apologies, or making clarifying statements to soothe and redirect the conversation. For example, if a disagreement starts to escalate, we might say, "I agree with part of what you’re saying. Let's take a moment to calm down and try again.” Or if we feel our partner is being too critical of us, we could say, “I’m feeling defensive. Could you say that in a gentler way?
Successful repair attempts reinforce a culture of respect and understanding, making it easier for both partners to stay connected and reduce defensive responses. By integrating repair into our daily interactions, we can reduce not only defensiveness but any of the Four Horsemen, and foster a healthier, more constructive communication dynamic.
Taking a Break
Taking a break during conflicts is a essential skill strategy to counter any of the Four Horsemen and prevent escalation. When emotions run high, partners may become physiologically flooded, leading to ineffective communication.
By agreeing to take a break, typically lasting at least 30 minutes, partners can calm their autonomic arousal. During this time, it's important to engage in soothing activities, such as deep breathing, listening to music, or taking a walk, rather than ruminating on the conflict. This pause allows both partners to return to the discussion with a clearer mind and a more collaborative attitude, making it easier to address the issue constructively.
Taking a break not only helps reduce immediate defensiveness but also fosters a culture of respect and understanding, essential for long-term relationship health.
Horseman #4
Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when we withdraw from an interaction and shut down emotionally, often because we feel overwhelmed. We mentally check out, which can be perceived by our partner as disinterest or disengagement. We seem eager to withdraw from the conversation. This can be physical withdrawal, such as leaving the room or avoiding eye contact, or emotional, such as giving short, non-committal responses or completely ignoring us.
Trying to communicate with someone who is acting in this way can be frustrating, and because of this, we can easily misunderstand the nature of stonewalling. Although it can seem to be an aggressive act of defiance or a spiteful cold shoulder, stonewalling is most often a sign that we are feeling physiologically flooded, with an increased heart rate and a sense of being overwhelmed.
Stonewalling is one of the Four Horsemen because over time it can be deeply damaging to a couples dynamic. In the short term it leaves one partner feeling totally overwhelmed and the other feeling unheard and invalidated. And in the longer term, repeated stonewalling can lead to feelings of loneliness and resentment in the relationship.
Antidote to Stonewalling: Self-Soothing
The antidote to stonewalling is physiological self-soothing. Taking a break to calm down before re-engaging in the conversation can help partners manage their emotions and communicate more effectively.
The first step in self-soothing involves recognizing the signs of flooding, such as increased heart rate, sweating, or a sense of being overwhelmed. Once these signs are identified, it is crucial to take a deliberate break from the conflict, typically lasting at least 30 minutes, the minimum time required for the body's arousal levels to subside and for stress hormones to clear the bloodstream.
At first, taking a break might seem a bit scary. If we try to stop the argument and walk away singlehandedly, we might worry that could be interpreted by our partner as an even bigger display of stonewalling, which could escalate the situation. However, if we can agree ahead of time on an appropriate and recognizable way to take a break, then we will soon come to feel relief when one of us gives the signal to take a time-out rather than feeling worried or stressed.
How to Take a Break from a Conflict
During a break, we should engage in activities that promote relaxation and calmness. These activities can include deep breathing exercises, which help slow the heart rate and promote a sense of calm, or progressive muscle relaxation, which involves tensing and then slowly releasing different muscle groups.
Above all, it is important not to ruminate on conflict during the break. If we do this, our level of arousal will not go down!
Here are some things to try during our break:
• Listen to calming music
• Watch a funny movie or TV show
• Take a walk or a bath
• Practice yoga, meditation or exercise
How to Resume a Conflict
We can increase our chances to have a productive discussion by observing the following guidelines.
• Create an environment that is conducive to calm discussions by minimizing distractions and maintaining a supportive atmosphere.
• Use a gentle start-up approach to avoid triggering defensive reactions. This involves speaking softly and without blame, focusing on “I” statements rather than “you” statements.
• Both partners should take responsibility for their part in the conflict and work towards a resolution rather than trying to win the argument.
By incorporating these self-soothing techniques, couples can interrupt the cycle of stonewalling and create a more supportive environment for resolving conflicts. This approach not only helps in managing immediate stress but also builds long-term resilience in the relationship by fostering healthier communication patterns and emotional regulation.
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship by Applying the Antidotes to the Four Horsemen
Research has shown that understanding and addressing the Four Horsemen, couples can improve their communication, strengthen their bond, and enhance their relationship's overall health. By proactively addressing the Four Horsemen, couples can prevent conflicts from escalating and causing long-term damage.
Criticism and contempt, for example, undermine mutual respect and foster resentment, while defensiveness and stonewalling hinder effective communication and conflict resolution. Understanding these behaviors allows couples to replace them with healthier alternatives, such as gentle start-ups, expressions of appreciation, taking responsibility, and practicing self-soothing. These positive communication strategies promote understanding, trust, and emotional intimacy, which are essential for a strong and resilient relationship.
If you would like more information on how to transform the Four Horsemen into their antidotes, schedule a free consultation.