Writers on love and relationships often list compatibility as a crucial factor in determining the success of a relationship, but it’s not that simple.

The truth is that even the most compatible couples may encounter challenges that put their relationship to the test. Likewise, even the most different kinds of people are often able to maintain strong, stable relationships.

Dating sites boast about their in-depth personality tests and claim that people with similar answers are a better match than people with different answers. It seems logical enough – wouldn’t we want to be with someone who shares the same values and goals, who enjoys similar activities and interests, and wouldn’t that give us a sense of deep belonging?

To some extent, yes, but there is more to it than that. Longitudinal research has shown that compatibility doesn’t explain the difference between happy and unhappy couples. In fact, happy couples generally say that it is their combined investment in the relationship and in each other that makes it work, not their compatibility. It’s only the unhappy couples that tend to say that compatibility is extremely important to a marriage. In other words, when unhappy couples say we’re incompatible perhaps what they are really saying is we don’t get along very well.

This is where the Gottman Method, grounded in decades of research on thousands of couples, offers valuable insights and strategies to navigate compatibility issues and foster a thriving partnership.

Understanding Compatibility in Relationships

Compatibility encompasses a broad range of factors, including shared values, interests, goals, communication styles, and emotional needs. While compatibility can lay a strong foundation for a relationship, it doesn't guarantee smooth sailing. Every couple is unique, with their own set of dynamics that shapes their relationship.

How to Identify Compatibility Problems

Compatibility problems tend to fall on these dimensions of a relationship:

Differences in Values and Beliefs: Misalignments in core values, religious beliefs, or life philosophies can create tension and conflict in a relationship.

Communication Challenges: Differing communication styles, such as one partner being more introverted and the other more extroverted, can lead to misunderstandings and frustration.

Conflict Resolution Styles: Variations in how partners approach and resolve conflicts can result in recurring disagreements and unresolved issues.

Emotional Compatibility: Differences in emotional expression, sensitivity, or coping can impact the level of emotional connection and intimacy in the relationship.

Lifestyle Preferences: Diverging preferences in lifestyle choices, such as spending habits, leisure activities, or career aspirations, can create friction if not addressed effectively.

How to Address Compatibility Problems

The Gottman Method offers a comprehensive approach to relationship health, focusing on strengthening friendship, deepening intimacy, and encouraging the creation of shared meaning. Here's how it can apply to compatibility issues:

Assessment and Understanding: Through structured assessments and exercises, couples gain insight into their relationship dynamics, including areas of incompatibility. Working to understand each other's needs, desires, and perspectives lays the groundwork for addressing compatibility issues constructively.

Effective Communication Skills: Healthy communication is an essential part of understanding differences. When couples learn practical communication skills, such as active listening, expressing needs assertively, and validating each other's emotions, compatibility gaps are bridged and the connection is strengthened.

Conflict Resolution Strategies: Couples are taught evidence-based strategies for managing conflicts and finding mutually satisfactory solutions. By learning to approach disagreements with acceptance, empathy, respect, and a willingness to compromise, couples can navigate compatibility problems with much greater ease.

Building Friendship and Intimacy: Cultivating friendship and intimacy forms the bedrock of a resilient relationship. Through shared activities, rituals of connection, and expressions of appreciation and affection, couples deepen their bond and respond more positively to individual differences.

Creating Shared Meaning: The Gottman Method helps couples create a shared vision for their relationship, encompassing shared goals, values, and dreams. By co-creating mutual aspirations, couples foster a sense of unity and purpose that transcends compatibility differences.

Three Ways to Implement Gottman Principles in Your Relationship

To apply the principles of the Gottman Method to address compatibility problems in your relationship, consider the following steps:

Commit to Growth: Approach compatibility issues as opportunities for growth and learning rather than insurmountable obstacles. Embrace a growth mindset and be willing to invest in your relationship.

Practice Effective Communication: Prioritize open, honest, and respectful communication with your partner. Practice active listening, empathy, and emotional validation to foster understanding and connection.

Seek Professional Support: Consider seeking guidance from a therapist trained in the Gottman Method. A skilled therapist can provide personalized insights, tools, and exercises to help you navigate compatibility issues and strengthen your relationship.

Can This Relationship Be Saved?

Not every couple is going to stay together, even after substantial effort, but I believe that every committed relationship deserves a chance. I have seen couples recover from even the most severe difficulties. This post goes a bit deeper into how you can assess the viability of your own relationship.

If you would like more information on how to apply these concepts to your situation, schedule a Free Consultation.