How to Solve Unsolvable Relationship Problems
In the Gottman world, we say “when you pick a partner, you pick a set of problems.”
Every relationship is going to have conflict, but who you choose as your partner determines what kind of problems you’re going to have. If you choose someone else, you’ll have a different set of problems. This strikes most people as common sense, and it’s supported by decades of research.
Two important principles follow from this:
You have a lot of choice over the kinds of problems you invite into your life based on who you choose or do not choose as a partner.
It is better to discover as early as possible what kinds of perpetual problems your relationship is going to have.
What are Perpetual Problems?
Perpetual problems, also called unsolvable problems, are defined in contrast to solvable problems. Solvable problems are amenable to clear solutions reached through compromise, negotiation, and mutual agreement.
Perpetual problems, on the other hand, are enduring issues that tend to resurface repeatedly. They are perpetual because are rooted in fundamental differences in personality, values, or needs between partners. Perpetual problems cannot be compromised away because they reflect stable aspects of each partner that are unlikely to change significantly over time.
For a deeper dive into the difference between solvable and unsolvable problems, see this post.
How Can You Solve an Unsolvable Problem?
The Gottman Method intervention called “Dreams Within Conflict” sees unsolvable problems as fertile ground for positive change. By accepting rather than rejecting the underlying differences inherent in these kinds of problems, couples can adapt to their differences with creative solutions rather having the same fight over and over again. We start the process by searching for the hidden wishes, which we call “dreams,” within the conflict.
It’s Not What We Usually Do.
The idea of discussing each other’s dreams is not the first thing most people think of as a solution to intractable conflict. Perhaps this is because we’re taught to “stick to the facts” and make our argument as objective and accurate as possible to convince the other person that we’re right. Maybe we also think that there is only one way to look at this conflict (usually our way) and the most important thing is that our partner sees it that way too.
The problem with this approach is two-fold. First, with problems that have to do with inherent differences between two people, the facts are not going to solve anything, either because they are being interpreted differently or because they are not considering the same collection of facts. We get lost trying to find an objective reality that both can agree on, which rarely happens. Second, with such a narrow approach, we lose our chance to find shared meaning within our subjective experiences.
How to Spot a Gridlocked Problem
If we make the mistake of thinking that we are right and our partner is wrong, this usually leaves both partners feeling misunderstood at best or vilified at worst. This is the beginning of what we call a “gridlocked” problem, a perpetual problem that has become deeply entrenched, emotionally charged, and leaves partners feeling hopeless and stalemated.
If you feel that your partner’s position is irrational, unreasonable, unnecessarily inflexible, or incomprehensible, you are likely in a state of gridlock. Similarly, if you feel betrayed, disrespected, hurt, isolated, or detached from each other, those are also signs of gridlock.
Gridlocked Conflict Comes from Unfulfilled Dreams
These painful thoughts and feelings arise when our dreams are not being respected or supported. And if we look beneath the surface of the conflict, each partner can identify those dreams for themselves, and share them with their partner.
This is the purpose of the Dreams Within Conflict exercise, something a Gottman therapist is trained to provide, and which couples can use to resolve perpetual conflicts as they arise.
The Dreams Within Conflict Exercise
How can you acknowledge the presence of two valid but opposing perspectives or identities? What can you do to support each other and create a shared dream where each person feels understood and validated? Here is the process.
Basic Process
First, decide who is going to be the speaker and who is going to be the listener for the first round. In the second round, the listener becomes the speaker.
As the speaker, your task is to talk honestly about your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about the issue. The goal is to explore what your position on the issue means to you, what life dreams are connected to it, and where those dreams come from. The goal is not to argue for your position or persuade your partner that you are right.
As the listener, your task is to help your partner feel safe enough to tell you the dreams and beliefs behind their position. Listen as a friend would listen, be curious about your partner’s dream. Ask the questions below, which are designed to draw out the dream, and suspend judgment. The goal is not to try to solve the problem – that will come later. Above all, don’t argue – just listen and ask questions!
Dreams Within Conflict Questions
Here are the questions to ask your partner. Be sure to ask all of them, in this order:
Do you have any core beliefs, ethics or values that are part of your position on this issue?
Is there a story behind this for you, or does this relate to your background or childhood history in some way?
Tell me why this is so important to you.
What feelings do you have about this issue?
What would be your ideal dream here?
Offer Support
Try to empathize with your partner. You don’t have to agree with the dream, just try to see it from their perspective. If you can, express something like: “I understand why that would be important to you.”
Participate in their dream by reading up on the issue, and if they are open to it, offer practical help. Even if you can’t directly help them to achieve their dreams, if you can, communicate: “I am behind you 100%.”
Dreams within Conflict Example
Here’s a basic example of how a conflict looks on the surface relates to how it looks inside the dream. The core dream is in bold.
The Gridlocked Conflict
Sally: My partner is constantly trying to persuade me to try new things: hobbies, moving to new places, strange recipes. It’s crazy! I can’t live this way!
Linus: My partner’s lifestyle is suffocating me. She wants to watch movies and sit on the couch all weekend. She doesn’t know how to live! I need more excitement in my life!
The Dreams within the Conflict
Sally: My parents were always busy. We moved around a lot. I never knew what was happening, or even what crazy new thing I would find when I got home from school. Always something new and disruptive going on. I never had stability. Now that I’ve settled down, I feel so lucky. I finally feel secure.
Linus: My parents worked all the time, and even when they were home, they only seemed to garden and read the newspaper. My siblings and I were isolated, lonely, and starved for adventure. Now I’m an adult and I can try new things, and I never have to go back there again.
Becoming a Dream Detective
Once you have identified the dreams, your previously gridlocked conflict can change radically. You can stop trying to eliminate the problem and instead start adapting to it. Instead of blaming your partner, you recognize they are legitimately different. Instead of vilifying them, you can validate their experience. Once you’ve gotten to the bottom of a conflict with curiosity, compassion and acceptance, then it is just a matter of finding a way to work with, rather than against, each other. Compromise becomes possible, and creative solutions spring naturally from your new understanding. You become a “dream detective.”
A dream detective adopts a curious, empathic stance towards their partner’s beliefs, values, feelings, goals, personal histories, and aspirations. By listening attentively, suspending judgment, asking open-ended questions and encouraging self-reflection, a dream detective can help solve previously unsolvable problems.
To conclude, I think the following quote from the Dreams Within Conflict intervention worksheet sums it up nicely:
“You don’t want to have the kind of relationship in which you win and are influential in the relationship but wind up crushing your partner’s dream. You want the kind of relationship in which each of you support one another’s dreams. If the dreams connect, so much the better!”
If you would like more information on how to use the Dreams Within Conflict approach in your relationship, schedule a free consultation.