“We’ve lost the spark.”

"We’ve lost the spark" is one of the most common things I hear in couples therapy and one of the most misleading.

What most couples are describing is the end of limerence, the neurochemical opening act: a flood of dopamine, norepinephrine, and PEA, the same cocktail behind a runner's high and a gambler's rush.

Its job was to narrow attention and create enough energy to make a pair bond possible, but it was never designed to last. It was designed to start something.