Briefly Noted: When you pick a partner, you pick a set of problems.

There’s something compelling about reducing relationships to compatibility variables. I like the way this piece frames the risk: long-term incompatibility creates more problems than most people anticipate when choosing a partner. That’s totally valid, and I see it all the time in the couples therapy room.

But I’d take it a step further. Compatibility isn’t something you can perfectly dial in upfront, especially in a relationship that unfolds over decades. Couples therapy research points in a similar direction.

When you pick a partner, you pick a set of problems.

Not the kind of problems you solve and move past. The kind that keep showing up because they come from who you are. Things like an ambitious partner who’s unavailable, or an empathic one who gets overwhelmed. Or an introvert and an extrovert trying to negotiate a social life.

Pick a different partner, and you get a different set of problems.

Every couple has problems. Where couples get into trouble is assuming this must be a communication issue: if we could just stop miscommunicating about it, it would go away. Or assuming that our partner needs to change in some fundamental way.

But because these patterns are tied to stable parts of each person, they don’t disappear. And if we want to stay, we have to learn to work with those differences, adapt to them, laugh about them.

Most relationships don’t fail because people chose badly. They fail because they misunderstand the kind of problems they chose.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown.

Flanagan, K. S., & Shelton, K. H. (2012). Conflict management and relationship satisfaction in couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29(3), 371–390.

Sillars, A., Canary, D. J., & Tafoya, M. (2004). Communication, conflict, and the quality of family relationships. In A. L. Vangelisti (Ed.), Handbook of family communication (pp. 413–446). Lawrence Erlbaum.