“Are You With Me?”

Why “bids for connection” matter: insights from relationship science.

Photo by Dawid Kochman      

Laura stood in the kitchen, washing dishes after dinner. She sighed, glancing over at Monica, who was curled up on the couch, scrolling through her phone.

"It's a beautiful evening," Laura ventured.

Monica said, "mmm" without looking up. Laura hesitated, a familiar pang of disappointment tightening in her chest.

This small moment, a seemingly casual comment and a distracted response was actually doing something important. In relationship research, it's known as a bid for connection, and how we respond to these bids can shape the emotional climate of our relationship.

What Is a Bid for Connection?

Bids for connection are small gestures we make to invite closeness; emotionally, physically, or intellectually. A passing comment. A shared meme. A glance that says, Did you see that?

And more important than the bid itself is how we respond.

Responses fall into three categories:

• Turning toward: engaging with the bid

• Turning away: missing or ignoring it

• Turning against: meeting it with irritation or rejection

When Laura commented on the evening, Monica's distracted "mmm" was an example of turning away. It might seem small, but over time, these missed moments shape whether a relationship feels emotionally connected or increasingly lonely.

Why These Moments Matter More Than We Might Think

Couples who consistently turn toward each other's bids are far more likely to maintain strong, satisfying relationships. In one landmark study, John Gottman found that happily married couples turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time. Unhappy couples? Only 33%. (1, 2)

But why is something so subtle so powerful?

Because at its core, every bid is a risk. It's a small moment of reaching out, sometimes barely detectable, that asks, Are you with me?

Turning toward says yes. It signals interest, safety, and care. Over time, those responses become a shared language of connection, a way of saying, I see you. You matter.

But when bids are met with indifference or irritation, those moments can start to hurt. With repetition, they create emotional distance, chip away at trust, and leave one or both partners feeling alone.

What's Happening in Your Brain

When someone responds to your bid for connection, your brain takes note. Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett's research shows that our brains don't just react to the world; they actively construct our emotional experiences based on past learning and present input. (3, 4)

So when our partner consistently turns toward us, even in small ways, our brain begins to predict safety. We start to expect warmth, presence, and connection. But when our bids are routinely missed or dismissed, our brain starts predicting rejection. That shift changes how we feel, how we respond, and how we interpret even neutral moments.

These little moments reshape our nervous system. Secure connections are built when partners reliably respond to each other’s emotional cues, what Emotionally Focused Therapy calls attunement. (5, 6)

For Laura and Monica, those missed bids weren’t just minor frustrations. Over time, they started to shape their attachment patterns. Laura grew increasingly anxious, wondering if she still mattered. Monica withdrew further, unsure how to engage.

What’s sad is that emotional disengagement often becomes self-reinforcing: the more one pulls away, the more the other pursues, or gives up. That’s how couples who still love each other slowly grow disconnected: not through one big rupture, but through hundreds of missed opportunities.

How to Get Better at This

Turning toward bids sounds simple, and sometimes it is. But doing it consistently, especially in the middle of real life, takes more than good intentions. It takes awareness, a little effort, and the willingness to shift gears even when you're tired, distracted, or preoccupied.

Here are a few ways to practice:

• Notice the bid. A sigh. A comment about the weather. A low-effort meme in your text thread. These are often less about content and more about subtext: Are you there? Do you see me?

• Choose connection over convenience. You don’t have to respond perfectly, but showing you’re present matters more than delivering the “right” response.

• Respond with intention. Even a short, warm acknowledgment is enough. If your partner says, “Look at that sky,” consider something like: “You’re right. It’s beautiful.”

• If you miss a bid, repair. Nobody responds perfectly all the time. Try circling back: “I realize I kind of brushed you off earlier. Can we rewind for a second?”

• Recognize the unintentional slight. Try not to take it personally when your partner isn’t physically, emotionally, or mentally available and give them some grace.

Why This Gets Harder Over Time

For couples like Laura and Monica, now five years into their marriage, bids become even more important, not less.

In the beginning, it's often easy to respond enthusiastically. Everything feels novel. You're curious. You reach for each other without even thinking about it. But over time, familiarity settles in, and with it, a risk: we begin to assume our partner knows how we feel.

But love won’t always run on autopilot.

As daily routines grow more predictable, the emotional energy in a relationship can start to flatten. We miss bids because we're tired, overstimulated, or mentally elsewhere. But missed often enough, even tiny bids can become moments of micro-disconnection.

In long-term relationships, the couples who thrive aren't those who never miss a moment. They're the ones who keep choosing each other, on purpose, especially when it would be easy not to. (7, 8)

Making New Habits

Changing how we respond to bids isn't always easy. It can feel awkward at first, especially if we're used to half-listening while multitasking. But even small shifts in awareness can reshape the emotional texture of a relationship.

Laura might try saying, "I noticed you seemed a little distracted earlier. I feel a bit lonely and wondered if you'd join me now?" By naming her emotional experience without blame, she creates a moment of openness, giving Monica a clear chance to turn toward her.

These moments are where change begins, in the daily decision to stay present and reachable.

The Bottom Line

Bids for connection are the pulse of a relationship.

Gottman's research, and decades of neuroscience and attachment theory, point to the same truth: long-term love lives in the small moments. A glance, a comment, a sigh. How we respond to those bids builds the emotional infrastructure of our relationship.

Each interaction is an opportunity to turn toward each other and deepen our bond or risk slowly drifting apart. Recognizing and responding to bids intentionally is one of the simplest yet most profound ways to ensure our love thrives for years to come.

1 Driver, J., & Gottman, J. M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 18(2), 275–284.

2 Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (2001). The relationship cure: A 5 step guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships. Harmony Books.

3 Barrett, L. F. (2006). Solving the emotion paradox: Categorization and the experience of emotion. Personality and Social Psychology Review.

4 Barrett, L. F. (2017). The theory of constructed emotion: An active inference account of interoception and categorization. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 12(1), 1–23.

5 Johnson, S. M., & Greenberg, L. S. (1985). Differential effectiveness of experiential and problem-solving interventions in resolving marital conflict. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 53(2), 175–184.

6 Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390–407.

7 Canary, D. J., & Stafford, L. (1994). Relational maintenance strategies and equity in marriage. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 11(4), 471–490.

8 Dainton, M., & Stafford, L. (2000). Routine and strategic maintenance efforts: Behavioral patterns, variations associated with relational length, and the prediction of relational characteristics. Communication Monographs, 69(1), 52–66.