Family Feuds and Holiday Cheers

Mastering In-Law Dynamics

Photo credit: Yan Krukau

The holidays are here, and with them come a whirlwind of emotions: joy, stress, and for many, a touch of anxiety. If spending time with your in-laws feels like walking on eggshells, you’re not alone.

Maybe a political disagreement earlier this year left things tense, or perhaps you feel like you haven’t been fully embraced as part of the family. Whatever the dynamic, navigating these relationships during the holidays can be tricky.

As John Gottman observed, “Every marriage is a cross-cultural experience.” Even if you and your partner come from similar backgrounds, you’re still blending two unique family cultures into a new one. The holidays often spotlight these cultural differences, but with a thoughtful approach, you can handle the season with confidence and connection.

Here are some therapist-approved tips to help you manage tricky in-law and family dynamics this holiday season.

1. Understand Different Traditions

One of the biggest challenges with in-laws is managing the integration of multiple family cultures. Each family has its own rituals, values, and holiday customs. These differences can create friction as you try to balance everyone’s expectations.

Instead of seeing these differences as obstacles, approach them with curiosity. Ask questions about your in-law’s family traditions and look for ways to honor both sets of values.

For example, if one family insists on opening gifts on Christmas Eve and the other on Christmas morning, explore ways to adapt or combine these rituals to create something new.

Acknowledging the history behind family traditions can help you better understand your in-laws and extended family and deepen your bond with them.

2. Adjust Your Expectations

Holiday stress often comes from having too many expectations, like collaborative meal preparations going smoothly, being able to find the right gifts for everyone, or avoiding awkward conversations about sensitive topics.  It’s surprisingly easy to be caught off guard when these things don’t go as planned, which can lead to disappointment or feeling overwhelmed.

Instead of assuming things will go a certain way, recognize that your in-laws are distinct individuals with their own habits, feelings, and generational traditions. Instead of seeing these differences as obstacles, try to develop some flexibility and approach these moments with curiosity.

Let go of the idea that anyone—including yourself—needs to be perfect. When you release that pressure, it becomes easier to enjoy the natural course of events.

3. Center Your Partnership

Your relationship with your partner is the foundation of your family unit, so start by strengthening that connection. Open communication is key. Share your concerns using a softened startup—phrases like, “I’m feeling nervous about…” rather than leading with blame.

Look for sliding door moments to connect emotionally with your partner. These are small, everyday opportunities to share your thoughts and feelings, and they can deepen your bond during stressful times.

It’s also essential to discuss boundaries before the holidays. Let your partner know what feels non-negotiable to you and decide together how you’ll handle sensitive topics. Remember, your partner’s perspective on their family may differ from yours. Respecting those differences, while staying united as a team, is crucial.

4. Set and Communicate Healthy Boundaries

Boundary-setting is essential for preserving your autonomy as a couple while maintaining healthy relationships with in-laws. Boundaries clarify what is and isn’t welcome, reducing misunderstandings and conflicts.

Discuss your boundaries with your partner first, then present them as a united front. For example, of your in-laws tend to drop by unannounced, kindly but firmly request that they call ahead. Or if certain topics are off-limits, like parenting or politics, communicate it early and respectfully.

Use phrases like:

“We’d appreciate a heads-up before visits so we can plan accordingly.”

“We really value your input, but we’ve decided to do things this way.”

“I understand this is an important topic for you, but I’d prefer we focus on enjoying our time together today rather than debating politics.”

5. Say No to People-Pleasing but Choose Your Battles

Trying to people-please your way through the holidays will often leads to resentment and burnout. While it’s natural to want to make a good impression, overextending yourself isn’t sustainable.

Focus instead on being authentic. Let your partner’s family see the real you—the person your partner fell in love with. Building genuine connections means being honest about your limits. If something doesn’t feel right, give yourself permission to say “no.”

That said, the holidays aren’t the time to resolve perpetual family issues. If drama arises, prepare a strategy with your partner ahead of time. Decide how you’ll respond to potential conflicts, and rehearse polite but firm phrases to de-escalate tense moments:

• “I’d prefer to discuss this another time.”

• “This isn’t something I’m comfortable talking about today.”

• “Let’s focus on enjoying the holidays instead.”

Setting boundaries doesn’t make you rude; it makes you self-aware. Prioritizing positive interactions is a way to honor everyone.

6. Address Conflicts with Empathy and Dialogue

Some conflicts are unavoidable; they find us and we have to deal with them. These can arise with specific family members over lifestyle differences, parenting philosophies, or financial decisions. When this happens, instead of letting the resentment build, use open dialogue to address the issue by having (or even scheduling) a calm, private conversation.

Listen closely to their concerns and acknowledge their feelings. Then clearly express your perspective while staying empathetic. For example, if your in-laws are upset about how you’ve chosen to celebrate the holidays, you might say:

“We understand this tradition is meaningful to you. This year, we’ve chosen to celebrate in a way that works best for us, but we’d love to incorporate your tradition in another way.”

Empathy doesn’t mean agreeing—it means understanding. And by adding a willingness to compromise, you have a real chance of resolving the conflict, even if there is a permanent underlying values difference.

7. Find Ways to Connect

Amid the challenges, don’t forget the potential for growth. Early in my own marriage, I felt nervous about engaging with my wife’s extended family at Thanksgiving and often stayed in the background during holiday gatherings. Over time, I realized this came across as disinterest.

One year, I decided to take the initiative by organizing a game of dominoes at a small table in the main room of the house. It turned into a fun, lighthearted activity that helped break the ice and brought us closer, and now it’s part of our annual tradition. My boys and I usually bring whatever new game we have been playing and recruit others to play with us.

This is a good strategy for me because it’s a very large group of people, and I’m not an extrovert, so it helps me socialize with a smaller, more intimate group of people while my wife works the entire room.

8. Develop an Exit Strategy

If your partner’s family tends toward high-conflict interactions, particularly if there is alcohol involved, plan for an early night if needed. A simple code word can signal when it’s time to leave or go to bed. You’re allowed to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being, even during the holidays.

Remember, showing up for your partner’s family is meaningful, but staying in an untenable situation is not mandatory.

Final Thoughts: Lean Into the Opportunity to Connect amid Complexity

The holiday season is a chance to grow closer as a couple. Use it to reinforce your bond by supporting one another in challenging situations. Remember that your partner’s relationship with their family may differ from your own, and it’s okay to navigate these dynamics differently.

Lean on Gottman’s concept of "we-ness,” framing issues as a shared challenge rather than an individual problem. When you approach the holidays as a team, it’s easier to stay united and avoid unnecessary conflict.

If you would like more information on how to apply these concepts to your situation, schedule a free consultation.