How to Revive the Spark
Has your relationship lost its luster? It doesn’t have to stay that way.
Photo by Summer Stock
If given a choice between creamy gelato and non-fat frozen yogurt, most of us would pick the gelato—rich, indulgent, and satisfying. But what if we could have the richness of gelato and the nourishment of something healthier? Long-term marriage and fleeting passion can feel like that same choice, but the truth is, you don’t have to sacrifice one for the other.
Relationships often begin with infatuation, a whirlwind of romantic intensity that feels ineffable and all-consuming. Over time, though, the demands of life—kids, careers, chores—can erode those early thrills. This transition is natural, but it can leave couples feeling as if something vital has been lost.
The good news? Passion and intimacy don’t have to disappear. Instead, they can evolve into something deeper and more enduring. Let’s explore how to rekindle that spark and sustain it in the long run.
From Infatuation to Intimacy
In the early days of a relationship, it’s easy to mistake infatuation for love. This is when you project your ideal onto your partner, seeing them as flawless and perfectly suited to you. But when real life intrudes, those projections fade, and reality sets in.
This shift doesn’t mean your love is over—it’s actually an opportunity to build something stronger. Intimacy grows as you and your partner learn to see and accept each other’s flaws. By facing challenges together and nurturing your connection, you create a foundation for long-lasting romance based on intimacy. While romantic getaways and grand gestures are fun, they’re only meaningful if they’re rooted in genuine intimacy and shared experiences.
The Danger of Negative Sentiment Override
Even the healthiest marriages have their rough patches, but what separates thriving relationships from struggling ones is how partners perceive each other over time. According to Dr. John Gottman, couples can fall into negative sentiment override, where negative thoughts about a partner overshadow any positive feelings.
When this happens, small grievances start to feel monumental. Neutral an even positive experiences take on a negative cast. You may begin keeping mental score, dwelling on your partner’s perceived flaws while dismissing their good qualities. Resentment grows, and the relationship becomes fertile ground for disconnection—or even infidelity.
This mindset often leads to unspoken frustrations. Instead of addressing issues directly, partners may turn to friends or co-workers for validation, venting about their spouse’s shortcomings. While these conversations might feel cathartic in the moment, they often reinforce negative perceptions and deepen the divide.
How Affairs Take Root
When emotional distance sets in, some people seek solace outside the marriage. What starts as a friendly coffee with a co-worker can evolve into an emotional affair, especially if both parties feel unfulfilled in their respective relationships. The secrecy and excitement mimic the thrill of early romance, making it all the more intoxicating.
This dynamic often perpetuates the illusion that the affair partner offers something the spouse cannot. But in reality, this comparison is flawed. No marriage, with its history of shared struggles and compromises, can compete with the fantasy of an idealized companion.
Turning the Tide: Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy
The revelation of an affair—whether emotional or physical—can feel devastating, but it doesn’t have to mark the end of a marriage. For many couples, this wake-up call becomes an opportunity to confront long-ignored issues and rebuild intimacy.
The first step is honesty. Both partners need to acknowledge the cracks in their relationship and commit to open communication. This process is rarely easy, but in the safety of couples counseling, many partners find the tools they need to reconnect.
Through guided conversations, couples can rediscover the love that brought them together. While they may never return to the heady days of infatuation, they can create a new kind of passion—one rooted in trust, understanding, and shared growth.
Choosing Connection Over Convenience
Rekindling passion in a long-term marriage isn’t about chasing the fleeting highs of early love. It’s about choosing connection every day, even when life feels mundane or overwhelming.
Much like gelato, passion in a relationship can feel indulgent and elusive. But with intention, effort, and a willingness to confront challenges together, you can create a love that is both rich and nourishing—a relationship that satisfies deeply and sustains you through life’s ups and downs.
Developing Rituals of Connection
Creating deeper, consistent connection doesn’t have to be so hard. In the Gottman Method, we say that it’s the “simple things, often” that create lasting connection and intimacy with ease and efficiency. Check out my previous post on rituals of connection for ideas on how to lean into this research-based method.
If you would like more information on how to apply these concepts to your situation, schedule a free consultation.