How to Choose a Couples Therapist

Due diligence in four steps and six red flags.

Photo by Antoni Shkraba Studio

As a couples therapist, I regularly get calls from people whose insurance I don’t take, needing appointments I don’t have. For many, finding the right couples therapist can feel like an obstacle course. Navigating insurance networks and searching for someone with availability makes it tempting to grab the first open slot. But that can be a mistake.

This brief guide will walk you through how to find the right couples therapist for you.

Why a Specialist Matters

Imagine going to a mechanic who mostly works on motorcycles when you need your car fixed. Therapy is no different. Couples therapy is a specialized field, but only about 20% of therapists focus on it, and many of whom were trained primarily in individual therapy. Without formal training in couples work, they often lack the skills to navigate the intense, real-time dynamics of couples in distress.

Relying on an underskilled therapist not only risks worsening the problem but also wastes a couple’s time and money. Distressed couples need empirically supported couples therapy interventions provided by highly trained specialists.

Steps to Find the Right Couples Therapist

The process can be broken down into four key steps: building a list, vetting websites, scheduling an initial phone call, and evaluating the first session.

Step 1: Develop a List of Potential Therapists

Start with a list based on your insurance network, personal referrals, or online directories like Psychology Today or the Gottman Referral Network. Aim to identify 5–10 names. A wider net decreases pressure to settle on the first available therapist.

When compiling this list, prioritize therapists whose profile explicitly state couples therapy as a primary focus, not just an add-on. Many therapists list “couples therapy” in their services, but their actual practice may be 90% individual work.

Step 2: Review Their Websites

To narrow your list, look for clear signs that the provider is a couples specialist and eliminate anyone who doesn’t fit the following criteria.

Couples Focus. A well-trained couples therapist will dedicate significant space, if not the entire site, to couples work. This is a strong indicator of specialization, but don’t stop at the homepage. Click deeper to see what types of issues and methods they emphasize. Look for topics that resonate with your situation.

Couples Issues. Look for mentions of common couples challenges like communication breakdowns, trust issues, parenting conflicts, compatibility struggles, and differences in goals and values. Also, check for more severe relational problems such as addictions, infidelity, domestic violence, severe mental health problems and trauma. The more specific they are, the better: it shows familiarity and the willingness to treat more severe problems, which usually indicates someone with more experience.

Treatments. Check for advanced training in empirically supported methods. These include:

• The Gottman Method: Renowned for its structured, research-backed approach to reducing conflict and strengthening connection.

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) :Focuses on emotional bonding and resolving attachment-based conflicts.

• Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT): Blends acceptance and change strategies to help couples understand and adapt to differences.

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for Couples: Helps partners accept difficult emotions and commit to meaningful actions in the relationship.

License. While you’re there, verify that the provider holds a valid state license. The most relevant ones are:

• LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)

• LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)

• Ph.D. or Psy.D. (doctorate in Psychology)

Step 3: Schedule a Brief Phone Call

Most therapists offer a brief phone consultation, typically about 20 minutes. Use this time to gauge their communication style, clarify their experience, and see if there’s a basic sense of fit.

Research shows that fit (also called therapeutic alliance, or the quality of the connection between therapist and clients) is one of the strongest predictors of success, more than the specific treatment approach. In couples therapy, that sense of fit has to extend to both partners, so it’s ideal if both can join the initial call.

Ask direct, specific questions, such as:

• How much of your practice is dedicated to couples work?

• What specific training do you have in couples therapy?

• How do you handle [fill in the blank with an issue that’s important to you]?

• Resist the temptation to spend the entire call explaining your situation.

A good couples therapist will welcome these questions, responding with clarity, empathy, and neutrality. Their answers should reflect both their training and their capacity to hold space for both partners without bias. If their responses are vague or evasive, that’s a strong signal to move on.

While some high-demand therapists may not offer phone consultations due to full caseloads, a flat refusal is generally a red flag, unless they come highly recommended by someone you trust. In that case, you’ll have to wait until the first session to assess the fit, which can be inconvenient if you’re considering multiple options. It’s more efficient to narrow your list to one primary and one backup for a full appointment by the end of this step.

Step 4: Book an Initial Appointment

Treat the first session as a two-way interview. You’re assessing whether the therapist’s approach feels structured, collaborative, and grounded in real methodology, while the therapist is assessing your relationship across key dimensions. A well-trained couples therapist should begin identifying patterns based on what you share, but it’s important to have realistic expectations. This is their first time meeting you, and fully understanding the scope of your issues may take several sessions. Still, you should feel that they’re actively listening, making connections, and taking your concerns seriously.

What does a good assessment look like? In evidence-based models like the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), assessment is structured and multi-layered. It typically includes:

• Semi-structured interviews: The therapist gathers history on past and current conflict patterns, relationship dynamics, and your reasons for seeking therapy. Usually this means three sessions: an initial session with both of you and an individual session with each of you.

• Behavioral observations: The therapist observes how you communicate and respond to each other, sometimes using structured exercises (like attempting to solve a difficult issue) to see how you navigate conflict.

• Self-report questionnaires: Tools like the Gottman Relationship Checkup or EFT-specific measures provide concrete data on strengths and challenges. While these may require some time outside of sessions (and sometimes a small fee), they offer efficient information gathering that accelerates the assessment process.

This assessment phase allows the therapist to suggest tailored interventions based on your specific needs. Be wary of therapists who jump straight into solutions without proper assessment. Just as you wouldn’t want to go to a physician who prescribed the same treatment for every patient regardless of symptoms, you don’t want a couples therapist tinkering with your relationship before deeply understanding your situation.

After the session, reflect: Did you both feel heard? Was the therapist even-handed? Did the session feel organized and productive? If it seemed one-sided, rushed, or disorganized, that’s a sign to keep searching.

Beyond these initial impressions, there are also specific red flags that might not be obvious right away, but they’re important to watch for as the therapy progresses.

Specific Red Flags to Watch For

1. Avoidance Disguised as Neutrality

Effective couples therapy isn’t just a sounding board, it actively identifies and challenges destructive dynamics, even if that means coaching one partner more than the other to shift certain behaviors. A therapist who tiptoes around accountability or deflects from tough conversations may unintentionally enable negative cycles.

Example: A couple struggles with chronic flooding and stonewalling during arguments. Rather than addressing one partner’s criticism and contempt, the therapist repeatedly suggests “taking a break” whenever emotional flooding occurs. Without specific tools to prevent the escalation, the couple leaves sessions feeling momentarily calmer, but no closer to resolution.

2. Overly Focused on Individual Introspection

Some therapists trained predominantly in individual therapy may struggle to shift their lens to the relationship, rather than the individual, as the client. If sessions often turn into individual therapy with a spectator, it’s a sign that the relational dynamics aren’t being adequately addressed.

Example: During sessions, the therapist frequently explores one partner’s childhood attachment issues in depth while the other partner listens passively. While understanding early experiences is important, couples therapy should center on how those patterns play out in the relationship, not just on isolated self-reflection.

3. Minimizing One Partner’s Concerns

When one partner’s complaints are consistently downplayed or reframed as less important, it signals an imbalance. A competent therapist should be attuned to power dynamics and ensure that both voices are taken seriously and with equivalent gravity.

Example: A wife expresses concern about her husband’s frequent cannabis use and its impact on their marriage. The therapist responds by saying, “A lot of people use cannabis to manage stress; maybe this is how he copes.” This not only minimizes her experience but sidesteps the potential impact of substance use on the relationship.

4. Lack of Structure or Clear Goals

Effective couples therapy isn’t just venting; it’s strategic. If sessions feel like emotional free-for-alls with no clear direction, it may indicate a lack of therapeutic structure. Good therapists help set specific goals, track progress, and adjust as needed.

Example: After months of sessions, a couple is still rehashing the same arguments without any noticeable change. There are no defined milestones, no assessment of progress, and no actionable steps laid out. Both partners leave each week feeling drained but no closer to resolving their issues.

5. Gender Bias or Taking Sides

Therapists, whether male or female, can carry the same implicit biases as anyone else. This can be as subtle as consistently validating one partner’s perspective while minimizing the other’s. Over time, this can leave one person feeling unseen or misunderstood, amplifying conflict rather than resolving it.

Example: In sessions, the therapist spends more time engaging with the female partner’s concerns, validating her frustrations while giving only brief acknowledgment to the male partner’s perspective. This focus, whether intentional or not, can leave him feeling dismissed and unseen, reinforcing his reluctance to share.

6. Ignoring Cultural Dynamics

Cultural beliefs and social norms shape how partners express love, manage conflict, and view their roles. A culturally attuned therapist understands that communication styles, emotional expressiveness, and concepts of intimacy can vary widely across cultural lines. Ignoring these dynamics can lead to misunderstandings and potentially pathologize cultural norms.

Example:
A therapist working with a couple from a more collectivist culture might misinterpret one partner’s deference to family obligations as “people-pleasing” or “conflict avoidance,” missing the cultural context entirely. A culturally sensitive therapist would recognize this as a values-driven behavior and work with the couple to navigate it relationally instead of pathologizing it.

Conclusion: Finding Real Help

By following these steps and watching for red flags, you’re not just picking the first available slot—you’re making an investment. The right therapist helps you feel seen, understood, and equipped to navigate conflict; the wrong one can leave you stuck or even deepen divides.

If you’re leaving sessions feeling unheard, stagnant, or unclear about what’s next, it might be time to move on. Keep searching until you find someone who can hold space for both of you, challenge unhelpful patterns, and guide you back to each other with clarity and compassion.

Next week, we’ll explore four empirically supported couples therapies. If finding a good therapist is about knowing what to avoid, understanding these therapies is about knowing what to look for.