November Reading Roundup
Friction, feelings, and the forces that shape us.
Photo: Vitaly Gariev
Hi friends,
This month’s Reading Roundup is full of subtle habits that corrode connection, the emotional patterns we might not notice, and research that reminds us how our perceptions shape our relationships.
Think of this collection as a flashlight into the emotional corners we tend to overlook. Whether you’re trying to reconnect in your relationship, reflect on your own emotional life, or just understand why hugs matter more than you realized, there’s something here for you.
Here’s what stood out.
Quick Hits
The Roach Motel Marriage Theory – Why some marriages die with fireworks, and others fade into silence.
Can You Name What You Feel? – Low emotional granularity raises the risk for stress and depression.
This Month’s Top Five Unsolvable Fights – From chores to tone of voice, 70% of fights aren’t solvable, and that’s okay.
Hug Timing = Romantic Clues – The difference between a friend hug and a lover hug? Seconds, not squeeze.
Depression and Emotional Suppression – Holding back emotions may feed the very symptoms we’re trying to avoid.
Psychopath, Or Just Perceived As One? – How beliefs about your partner matter more than personality tests.
Two Minutes to Reconnect – A brief meditation boosts closeness and generosity, virtually or in person.
Menopause in the C-Suite – New research reframes it not as a derailment, but as a leadership accelerator.
Keeping Score? It’s Hurting Your Relationship – Love doesn’t work like an expense report.
Three Sneaky Relationship Killers – Burnout, phones, and unspoken resentment: small things with big impact.
1. The Roach Motel Marriage Theory
Why do some couples implode quickly, while others slowly drift apart? Psychologists Gottman and Levenson coined the “Roach Motel” metaphor to describe how some relationships check into negativity—and can’t check out. Early divorcers are overwhelmed by conflict; late divorcers by emotional withdrawal. The best marriages aren’t conflict-free—they just don’t stay stuck.
Read the full breakdown in this Forbes article .
2. Can You Name What You Feel?
Low emotional granularity—the inability to distinguish between feelings like “angry,” “disappointed,” or “ashamed”—isn’t just frustrating. It’s risky. People with low granularity tend to experience more stress and are at higher risk for depression. The good news? It’s a learnable skill. (For more on this, see August’s post How Many Words Do You Have for Anger?)
Explore more in this piece from Psychology Today .
3. The Top 5 Relationship Problems... That Never Go Away
Research shows that 70% of couples’ arguments are about unsolvable issues—things like values, habits, and personality differences. A recent survey names the current “top five” for modern couples:
Tone – It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.
Money – Not about math—about meaning.
Communication – Like you’re speaking two different languages.
Chores – It’s the system, not the sink.
Family – Two households, two rulebooks.
Read more in this summary of the survey .
4. Hug Length Tells All?
A fascinating new study used AI to compare romantic and platonic hugs. Turns out the biggest difference wasn’t intensity—it was time. Couples hugged for 7+ seconds, while friends kept it under 3. The takeaway: tiny physical cues can reveal deep emotional layers, and yes, your hug may be telling on you.
Read more from Psychology Today .
5. Depression and the Emotional Backlog
Depression makes it hard to express feelings. But bottling them up can make things worse. A new study used network analysis to show how suppressed emotions—especially guilt and regret—fuel a cycle of rumination and emotional isolation. It’s a powerful reminder that expression isn’t just cathartic—it’s protective.
Dive into the study via Frontiers in Psychiatry .
6. Is Your Partner a Psychopath... or Do You Just Think They Are?
We tend to assume that our partner’s traits determine how happy we are in a relationship. But new research suggests something subtler: our perception of their traits matters more. Even mild psychopathic traits (manipulativeness, emotional distance) had less impact on relationship quality than simply believing those traits existed.
Read the study on Taylor & Francis Online .
7. Two Minutes to More Connection
What happens when you and your partner spend two silent minutes reflecting on your shared humanity while making eye contact? More than you’d expect. A short “Just Like Me” mindfulness meditation improved closeness, empathy, and generosity—even in virtual settings.
Read the study in Mindfulness .
8. Menopause in the Boardroom
New research reframes menopause not as a professional setback, but as a catalyst. Senior women navigating menopause reported emerging with greater empathy, self-assurance, and perspective—traits that strengthened their leadership.
Read more at Harvard Business Review .
9. Keeping Score Is Killing Your Relationship
Love doesn’t run on ledgers. A massive study following over 7,000 couples found that the more people focused on “payback”—doing something only if their partner had earned it—the less satisfied they became. Even mutual score-keepers weren’t any happier. Relationships improve when we drop the IOUs.
Read more at PsyPost .
10. Three Habits Quietly Wrecking Relationships
It’s not just the big fights. Psychologist Mark Travers highlights three subtle behaviors that corrode connection over time:
Unequal domestic labor – invisible imbalance creates simmering resentment
Phones – constant distraction leads to micro-disconnection
Neglecting self-care – a depleted partner can’t fully connect
The antidote? Boundaries, check-ins, and intention.
Read more from Forbes .
Final Thoughts
This month’s pieces circle around a theme I keep seeing in sessions: subtlety. The drift of disconnection. The slight misread of a tone. And how these small moments accumulate into closeness or distance.
Which article or insight resonated most for you? I’d love to hear your reflections. Drop a reply or leave a comment—I read every one.
Until next time,
John