Signs of a Healthy Relationship: The Sound Relationship House

The Gottman Method is a comprehensive, research-based approach to couples therapy. At the heart of this method is the Sound Relationship House, a theoretical model based on decades of research. This model outlines the key components for a successful and thriving relationship. It also provides a comprehensive roadmap for couples to navigate through challenges and build stronger bonds.

What is the Sound Relationship House?

Imagine a healthy relationship as a house built upon a strong foundation of trust, love, and commitment, where each level of this house represents a crucial aspect of a fulfilling partnership. This is the Sound Relationship House.

The image below, courtesy of The Gottman Institute, shows that the Sound Relationship House is built with nine interconnected components, seven levels and two walls, each representing fundamental aspects of a strong and enduring bond between partners. Let's explore each element in detail.

Level 1: Build Love Maps

The foundation of the Sound Relationship House begins with knowing your partner intimately, what Dr. John Gottman calls a “Love Map.” Love Maps are the essential guide to your partner’s inner world. What are your partner’s likes and dislikes? Who is their best friend? Did their parents have a good marriage? How do they like to relax after a long day? Building Love Maps requires curiosity, empathy, and active listening. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know each other better than anyone else. By continually updating and expanding your Love Maps, through engaging in meaningful conversations and actively listening to each other's thoughts and feelings, you demonstrate your commitment to knowing and cherishing your partner on a deep level.

Level 2: Share Fondness and Admiration

Just as the walls of a house provide protection and warmth, expressions of fondness and admiration create a sense of security within the relationship. Partners are encouraged to regularly verbalize appreciation for each other's good qualities by recognizing their partner's strengths, celebrating their achievements, and expressing gratitude for their presence in your life. Perhaps you admire their generosity or how patient they are with the kids. We all like to hear something nice about ourselves, and it means the most when it comes from our partner. For that reason, when you articulate the reasons you love your partner, you and your partner will have stronger bonds and a more positive outlook on their relationship.

Level 3: Turn Towards Instead of Away

This level of the house refers to how we respond to our partner’s “bids” for connection. Like windows that allow light to enter a home, small moments of connection and responsiveness allow love to flourish. When we need attention, support, or comfort from our partner, we are likely to make a bid for connection by saying or doing something to elicit a response from them. For example, when you come through the door at the end of the day and say something like “wow, what a day,” that’s a bid for connection. And what you want is for your partner to turn toward that bid. Turning towards involves actively engaging with your partner's attempts to connect, whether it's a simple gesture, a shared joke, or a meaningful conversation. In healthy relationships, partners are attuned to each other's bids for connection and respond in a supportive manner. Consistently turning away (or worst, turning against) a bid is a bad sign in any relationship. By consistently turning towards each other, couples strengthen their emotional connection and build a sense of security within the relationship.

Level 4: The Positive Perspective

A healthy relationship is characterized by a positive outlook and an ability to navigate challenges together. By reframing negative experiences and focusing on the strengths of their partnership, couples cultivate resilience and optimism, laying the groundwork for effective conflict resolution. Couples in healthy relationships look for the best in each other and don’t focus their attention on a negative view of their partner. For example, when your leaves for work in a rush and forgets to say goodbye, having a positive perspective means that you give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they were preoccupied rather than negligent. Maintaining a positive outlook is crucial for weathering the inevitable storms that arise in any relationship. Couples who view each other through a lens of goodwill and give each other the benefit of the doubt are better equipped to overcome challenges and conflicts.

Level 5: Manage Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how it is managed makes a huge difference. So, what are the basic elements of conflict management? First, you need to accept your partner’s influence, meaning you need to take their feelings and perspective into account instead insisting that your own feelings and perspective are most important. Second, whether problems are solvable or perpetual , you need dialogue about them. This means that each partner needs to really listen to what the other person is saying, so that you can arrive at a compromise solution (in the case of a solvable problem) or a sensible work-around (in the case or an unsolvable, or perpetual, problem. Third, when you feel yourself getting heated during an argument, self-soothing (such as taking a walk, taking deep breaths, or if needed taking a break) will help you remain calm. Once we become emotionally flooded, it becomes harder to listen or even think clearly. With better communication techniques, such as active listening and expressing needs without criticism or contempt, couples can learn to approach conflict as an opportunity for growth and understanding rather than a source of division.

Level 6: Make Life Dreams Come True

Just as a roof provides shelter from the elements, when couples support each other's dreams and aspirations a sense of safety and security pervades the relationship. The beauty of a healthy relationship is that you have someone who will not only encourage you in your goals but also help you reach them. This could mean coming up with a plan to save for a vacation you both would love or being supportive when one of you wants to change careers. Shared dreams and aspirations play a crucial role in creating a sense of unity and purpose within a relationship. Partners who support each other's goals and work together to achieve them experience greater satisfaction and fulfillment. Making life dreams come true shows that you want the best possible life for your partner, and you are willing to do what it takes to make that happen.

Level 7: Create Shared Meaning

Finally, the attic of the Sound Relationship House represents the shared rituals, traditions, and values that define the relationship. Couples who create shared meaning cultivate a sense of belonging and purpose that transcends individual differences. This level functions much like the more foundational Love Maps level, except, except that on this level you develop an inner world as a couple, a culture of symbols and rituals that express who you are as a team. It can be represented by something as simple as getting coffee at your favorite café every Sunday morning and as intricate as the unique way you celebrate holidays. These Rituals of Connection define you as a unit, and you create them together. By creating a sense of shared meaning and purpose, couples deepen their connection and find fulfillment in their journey together.

Levels 8 and 9: The Weight-Bearing Walls of Trust and Commitment

As important as all the floors of a house are, the walls of trust and commitment provide essential structure and protection. In a healthy, supportive relationship, two people make the decision to have faith in each other, have each other’s back and pledge to stay together and help that love grow.

Without trust, it's very difficult to feel safe, vulnerable, and connected to your partner. Trust is built and maintained through honesty, reliability, and consistency. Couples learn to communicate openly, set boundaries, and repair trust when it's been compromised.

Commitment involves prioritizing the relationship, making sacrifices when necessary, and continuously investing in its growth and development. Couples who are committed to each other weather life's challenges with resilience and fortitude, knowing that their bond is strong enough to withstand any adversity.

The Sound Relationship House is a Roadmap to a Healthy Relationship

In summary, the Sound Relationship House provides couples with a comprehensive framework for building and maintaining a healthy, fulfilling partnership. By attending to each level of the house, couples can strengthen their connection, navigate challenges with grace, and cultivate a relationship that stands the test of time. Through the guidance of the Gottman Method, couples can embark on a journey of growth, understanding, and love that leads to a lifetime of happiness together.

If you would like more information on how to apply these concepts to your situation, schedule a Free Consultation.