Why do some conflicts seem impossible to solve?

You’ve talked endlessly. You’ve cried tears of frustration. You’ve struggled to find a solution. You’ve even wondered if you should just give up.

But before you do that, think about the following:

When You Pick a Partner, You Pick a Set of Problems

According to the Gottman Institute, sixty-nine percent of relationship conflict is caused by unsolvable problems, problems that are fundamental to the couple and are never going to go away. These problems are grounded in fundamental differences, and all couples have them. Whether in the form of personality or lifestyle differences, or diverging life goals, these differences cause repeated, unresolvable conflict known as “perpetual problems,” which differ from solvable problems.

What are solvable problems?

Solvable problems can usually be resolved through careful discussion, negotiation, and compromise. These issues arise from specific circumstances or situations.

Solvable problems might include disagreements about household chores, financial decisions, or how to spend free time. However, a solvable problem for one couple could be a perpetual problem for another. The key thing to understand is that it’s not about the topic, it’s about whether there is a permanent underlying difference driving the conflict over that topic.

What are perpetual problems?

Perpetual problems are rooted in fundamental differences in personality, values, or lifestyle preferences and tend to cause the same conflict over and over.

Unlike solvable problems, perpetual problems are unlikely to have a definitive solution. Instead, they have to be managed. Without proper management, these conflicts become “gridlocked.”

What is gridlock?

Gridlock occurs when partners become entrenched in their positions and are unable to find common ground. When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are spinning their wheels. The nature of gridlock is that hidden agendas underlie the issue. These issues may stem from deeply held beliefs or emotional triggers that are difficult to overcome.

How to tell if your conflict is gridlocked

Gridlocked problems tend to have a common set of features. If you are having more than one or two of these when this problem comes up, it’s probably a sign of gridlock:

• The conflict leaves you feeling misunderstood by your partner.

• No matter how much you talk about it, you make no headway.

• You become entrenched in your positions and are unable to budge.

• Whenever the subject comes up, you wind up feeling frustrated or hurt.

• Your conversations are unpleasant, humorless, and devoid of affection.

• The gridlock increases over time, accompanied by mutual vilification.

• The vilification leads to increased polarization, with no chance of compromise.

• The conflict leads to feelings of dislike or emotional disengagement.

The good news is that there is a way out of gridlock, no matter how entrenched it feels. The endless arguments are simply a function of profound difference between the two of you. Once you’ve thoroughly processed those differences it becomes much easier to find an approach that both of you can live with.

How to deal with solvable problems

For solvable problems, the key is a willingness to collaborate combined with effective communication and collaboration skills, such as:

• Expressing your feelings and needs clearly and respectfully.

• Listening with empathy and curiosity.

• Validating your partner’s perspective and acknowledging their emotions.

• Finding common ground and brainstorming solutions that work for both of you.

• Following through on your agreements and checking in regularly.

By approaching solvable problems as a team, couples can strengthen their bond and build trust in their ability to overcome challenges together.

How to deal with perpetual problems

With perpetual problems, good communication and collaboration are still essential, but the focus is different. Instead of trying to eliminate the issue entirely, you work towards understanding and accepting each other’s perspective, using skills such as:

• Recognizing that the problem is not a sign of incompatibility or failure.

• Appreciating your partner’s differences and seeing them as strengths.

• Exploring the underlying reasons and meanings behind your positions.

• Sharing your hopes and dreams with your partner and supporting theirs

• Creating a dialogue that communicates respect and love.

By learning the difference between solvable and perpetual problems, and applying the appropriate skills, you can improve your relationship satisfaction and avoid gridlock. Remember, the goal is not to solve all your problems, but to manage them in a way that honors your connection and enhances your friendship.

If you would like help with a problem that feels gridlocked, schedule a Free Consultation.