Advanced Listening Skills
How to be a great listener, even when emotions run high
Photo by Ivan Samkov
Advanced Listening Skills
How to be a great listener, even when emotions run high
In most couples I work with, there comes a moment—early on—when one partner says something like, “I just don’t feel heard.” And the other responds, “But I’m listening!” What follows is usually a frustrating game of conversational ping-pong, where no one leaves feeling understood.
One way to address this, especially when emotions run high, is to stop the back-and-forth and use a more structured approach such as the Gottman-Rapoport procedure, which I’ve detailed here. But this approach requires some advanced listening skills, so this week I’m going to outline a practical approach to listening in a more effective way.
The truth is, in daily life, most of us are listening mainly to reply rather than to understand. We listen for our turn to talk, to fix, to solve, to defend. But great listening—the kind that builds intimacy, trust, and connection—is something else entirely.
What is Advanced Listening?
We usually think we already know how to listen. After all, we’ve been doing it since we were kids—listening to parents, teachers, friends. We’re taught to pay attention, make eye contact, nod at the right times. Maybe we’ve even learned to repeat back what someone said to show we understood.
These are valuable skills, but they’re just the beginning. The kind of listening that transforms relationships—the kind that builds trust, de-escalates conflict, and makes our partner feel truly known—is a more advanced practice. It requires emotional presence, self-regulation, and the ability to tolerate another person’s experience without rushing to fix or defend.
This is a skill set most of us were never explicitly taught, and it can feel unfamiliar—even counterintuitive at first. But once we learn it, it can transform our communication, from basic conversations to high-stress conflict discussions.
Non-Defensive Listening is a Loving Act
In a relationship, listening isn’t a passive activity. It requires the ability to actively tune into our partner’s internal experience with empathy and without judgment. This is called non-defensive listening, a key element of the ATTUNE model,* a framework for creating emotional connection in relationships.
Non-defensive listening can be tricky to master, especially when our partner is upset. But it’s worth it, because when our partner feels truly heard, they relax. Their nervous system settles. The fight becomes a conversation.
Here’s how to do it.
Step 1: Prepare Yourself to Listen
Think of listening as a mental shift—we’re stepping into your partner’s experience, even if we don’t fully agree with it.
Let’s take Monica and James. When Monica brings up how isolated she’s felt since their second child was born, James immediately jumps in with a list of logistical fixes:
· “Why don’t you call Sarah to get out more?”
· “I’ll start dinner earlier.”
Which causes Monica to shut down. What she needed wasn’t a fix—it was understanding. To listen well, James needed to:
Set aside his own agenda.
Focus on being interested, not interesting.
Ask himself, “What is she feeling right now? What matters most to her?”
Think of it like a Vulcan mind meld, for the Star Trek fans among us. Our job is not to teleport our partner into our experience, it’s to step into theirs.
Step 2: Tune into Their Emotions
Stay open to their emotional experience. This can take practice, but it’s what allows our partner to feel safe and known. Here are some dos and don’ts:
✔ Do:
Ask open-ended questions: “What was that like for you?” “Tell me more.”
Follow their thread—don’t change the subject.
Respond with empathy, not evaluation: “That sounds really painful.”
Validate their feelings: “It makes sense you’d feel overwhelmed.”
✖ Don’t:
Minimize: “You’re overreacting.”
Defend: “That’s not what I meant.”
Jump to solutions too quickly.
Our partner doesn’t want us to solve their emotions. They want to know they’re not alone in them.
Step 3: Reflect What You Hear
One of the simplest but most powerful tools is reflection. This doesn’t mean parroting back their words. It means summarizing their message in a way that shows we understand both the facts and the feelings.
Here is a different version of the Monica and James interaction, one in which James is doing a much better job listening. Monica has just shared the following:
· "I just feel so isolated since the baby was born. It’s like I’m stuck at home with the kids all the time, and then I also have work on top of it. I don’t even get a minute to myself anymore. I feel like I’m doing everything by myself."
Now, in a more reflective state of mind, James replies:
· “It sounds like you’re exhausted, and I can understand why you’d feel isolated and overwhelmed carrying everything on your own."
Monica continues, saying:
· "Yes! I never get a break anymore. Between the kids and work, I feel like I’m constantly on the go. I don’t even have time to recharge or do something for myself, and I’m getting frustrated."
James’s still reflecting, resists the urge to solve:
· “I get it. If I were constantly juggling everything like that, I’d feel really drained and frustrated too. You need a break!”
In these examples, Monica shares both her sense of isolation and the exhaustion she feels from taking on so many responsibilities, while James’s reflections acknowledge both the facts and the emotions, showing his understanding and validating her experience.
Reflections like these build emotional safety—and emotional safety builds intimacy. Once this has happened, we can ask if our partner wants to hear our perspective. Be prepared for a “no”—sometimes they will just want to be heard, not helped. Other times they will be looking for advice. A wise listener can hear the difference.
When Emotions Run High: Listening to Anger, Sadness, and Fear
Most people don’t get defensive when their partner says, “I had a nice day.” But when feelings are raw—anger, sadness, fear—it gets harder.
Let’s walk through how to listen under more challenging conditions
Listening to Anger
Anger often signals a blocked need or a sense of unfairness. Don’t defend—get curious.
“What’s been making you feel this way?”
“What do you need from me right now?”
“I can see how my tone might’ve felt dismissive. That wasn’t my intention.”
Remember: even if the anger is directed at us, we can still listen with empathy without rolling over. This isn’t the time for solutions, and we don’t have to agree to anything at this point.
Listening to Sadness
Here, our impulse is often to cheer our partner up. But sadness isn’t a problem to fix—it’s an experience to be witnessed.
“That sounds really heavy.”
“Tell me more about the loss.”
“I’m right here with you.”
By encouraging our partner to talk through the sadness rather than shutting it down, we’re helping them process it more efficiently. And perhaps a bit counter-intuitively, they will feel better sooner than if we tried to help them push the feeling away.
Listening to Fear
Reassurance can feel dismissive if it skips over the fear itself. Instead, validate and explore.
“What’s making this feel unsafe?”
“What would help you feel more secure?”
“I want to understand what’s scaring you.”
If the fear is about us, we acknowledge it, even if we don’t understand it: “I hear that when I raise my voice it scares you. That matters to me.”
Bonus Skill: Reading Between the Lines
Sometimes our partner won’t say exactly what they mean. Pay attention to metaphors and symbols. They often reveal deeper emotional truths.
“This apartment feels like a prison.”
“You feel trapped?”
“The train left the station and I’m still on the platform.”
“Sounds like you’re feeling left behind.”
These deeper reflections can shift a conversation from the head down into the heart.
Listening Isn’t Enough—You Have to Share, Too
Don’t forget: being a great listener doesn’t mean staying silent. Our partner wants to know us too, not just feel heard.
Try sharing:
Details from your day—what made you laugh, what irritated you, what you thought about on your commute.
Vulnerable truths: “I’ve been feeling a little off lately and I don’t know why.”
Longings: “I’d love to spend some quiet time together this weekend.”
Try This Listening Exercise Together
Want to build these skills as a couple? Try this simple exercise. Take turns answering the following questions. The listening partner’s only job is to understand—not fix, correct, or minimize.
What’s been making you feel stressed lately?
What’s been making you feel hopeful?
What’s been making you feel angry?
What’s been making you feel sad?
What’s been making you feel grateful?
Practice reflecting what you hear. Validate emotions. Be present.
Final Thought: Listening Is a Superpower
When we learn to really listen—not just with our head, but with our heart—we transform your relationship by creating a space where both people feel safe, seen, and supported.
Start small. Choose one of these skills and try it out today. Notice what shifts.
If you would like more information on how to apply these concepts to your situation, schedule a free consultation.
*The ATTUNE model is a core Gottman Method framework used to create emotional connection in relationships, especially during tough conversations. Each letter represents a key part of the model.
A – Awareness
Be aware of your partner’s emotions. This means noticing changes in their mood, tone, or body language. Emotional cues are often subtle, so attuned partners stay curious and observant.
T – Turning Toward
Instead of ignoring or turning away from your partner’s bids for connection, you turn toward them. This might look like pausing to ask, “You seem quiet—want to talk?” It’s about being emotionally available.
T – Tolerance
Practice emotional tolerance. This means staying open to your partner’s perspective—even if it’s uncomfortable, different from yours, or hard to hear. It also means tolerating difficult feelings rather than shutting them down.
U – Understanding
Strive to truly understand your partner’s experience. Ask questions like, “What’s that like for you?” or “Can you help me understand?” This is where empathy and curiosity come together.
N – Non-defensive Listening
This is one of the hardest parts—listening without jumping in to defend yourself, correct the record, or shut the conversation down. Non-defensive listening creates safety and paves the way for genuine understanding.
E – Empathy
Express empathy—let your partner know that their feelings make sense to you, even if you don’t agree with everything they’re saying. This could be as simple as, “That sounds really painful. I get why you feel that way.”
In short, the ATTUNE model is about staying grounded in your own experience while reaching out to meet your partner where they are. When both partners can attune, they build a relationship that feels safe, responsive, and deeply connected.