Beyond the Honeymoon Phase
How fondness and admiration trump infatuation
Photo by Arina Krasnikova
In the early days of a relationship, everything feels electric. You’re captivated by your partner, drawn to them in ways that feel effortless and exhilarating. This stage of love, often called limerence, is filled with infatuation, excitement, and the intoxicating hope of what your connection could become.
Limerence is thrilling—there’s no doubt about that. But it’s also fleeting. Research shows that this honeymoon phase lasts about two years, roughly the same amount of time many couples date, marry, and settle into life together. Once limerence fades, the real work of love begins.
When the rose-colored glasses come off, couples start seeing their relationship more realistically. Without the cushion of infatuation, small annoyances can feel larger, and early warning signs—things that might have been brushed aside—can take root as seeds of contempt. And contempt is one of the most corrosive dynamics in a relationship.
So how do couples protect their love after limerence fades? By building a foundation of fondness and admiration.
Why Fondness and Admiration Matter
Fondness and admiration aren’t just nice-to-haves; they’re essential skills that strengthen the emotional foundation of a relationship, foster positive feelings between partners, and act as a protective buffer against negativity and contempt. Sharing these feelings consistently helps couples maintain respect, affection, and connection long after the honeymoon phase ends.
In my work with couples in pre-marital counselling, I often hear, “We don’t need to work on this—we’re naturally good at it!” And they’re right—for now. Limerence makes sharing fondness feel easy. But later in the marriage, these couples will need intentional practices to keep their admiration alive.
What Does It Mean to Share Fondness?
Fondness is more than a passing affection—it’s a deeper appreciation of who your partner is and why you value them. Sharing fondness means actively expressing what you admire. Think beyond vague statements like, “You’re great.” Be specific:
“I’m proud of the way you handled that situation at work.”
“I’m attracted to your confidence and the way you light up a room.”
“I admire your creativity—it’s inspiring to see how you approach challenges.”
Take a moment now to reflect: What do you genuinely admire about your partner? Fill in the blanks:
“I’m proud of the way you _____.”
“I’m attracted to your _____.”
“I admire that you _____.”
Over the next week, find an opportunity to share these sentiments out loud. Even if you think your partner already knows, there’s something powerful about hearing the words spoken with intention.
Why Gratitude Matters
Alongside fondness, expressing appreciation is a simple but profound way to deepen connection. Gratitude isn’t just about saying “thanks” for tasks or favors—it’s about recognizing and valuing your partner’s character.
Try this: Think of one quality you appreciate in your partner, like their kindness, resilience, or humor. Then recall a specific moment from the past week when they demonstrated that quality. Share it with them:
“I appreciate how thoughtful you are. I noticed it when you made my favorite tea without me asking—it meant a lot.”
This small act of acknowledgment reinforces positive aspects of your relationship, both for you and your partner.
Building a Practice of Admiration
One of my favorite Gottman exercises for fostering admiration is called “I Appreciate…” It’s simple: Pick three adjectives that describe your partner (e.g., patient, strong, adventurous). Then, connect each adjective to a specific moment when your partner embodied that quality.
For example:
“I appreciate how supportive you are. I noticed it last week when you stayed up late to help me with my project.”
“I admire your humor—you always know how to make me laugh, like when we were stuck in traffic the other day.”
Sharing admiration regularly isn’t just about making your partner feel good; it also strengthens your own appreciation for them. It’s easy to get stuck in the habit of only contemplating our partner’s faults.
Beyond Words: Exploring Core Values Together
When you share fondness and admiration, take it one step further by exploring why these qualities matter to you. For example, if you admire your partner’s strength, what does that say about your values? If they appreciate your warmth, why do they find it meaningful?
These conversations can deepen your understanding of each other and lay the groundwork for creating shared meaning—a key component of long-term relational success.
Final Thoughts
Relationships inevitably evolve, and the intense passion of limerence gives way to something quieter but no less powerful: trust, respect, and enduring love. By building intentional practices of fondness and admiration, you can protect your relationship from contempt and nurture a connection that lasts.
If you would like more information on how to apply these concepts to your situation, schedule a free consultation.