How Do You Feel About Your Feelings?

The hidden influence of meta-emotion.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

"Why do you always shut down when I’m trying to talk to you?"
"Because you never let anything go."

I’ve heard versions of this exchange more times than I can count. To a couple caught in it, the conflict seems obvious: one person is pushing too hard; the other is pulling away. Often, it’s not just about communication style or personality differences. It’s about a deeper, often invisible force that shapes how we handle emotions, both our own and each other’s."

It’s called meta-emotion, or how we feel about feelings, both our own and our partner’s.

Meta-emotion is the story we tell ourselves about emotions: their value, their purpose, and their risk. Do we see anger as dangerous or useful? Is sadness something to express openly or manage privately?

These underlying beliefs silently determine how we handle emotional moments, and how we react when our partner handles them differently, sometimes called meta-emotion mismatches.

When meta-emotion mismatches go unrecognized, they create invisible fault lines in a relationship, causing misunderstandings and eroding trust. But once we learn to see them, everything starts to make more sense.

What is Meta-Emotion Mismatch?

Relationship research has identified meta-emotion mismatch as a hidden but powerful source of relationship stress (1). When partners hold different emotional blueprints—our mental maps for what emotions mean and how they should be managed—we often interpret each other’s emotional states in ways that reflect our own beliefs, rather than the other person’s experience.

One partner might interpret a calm exterior as emotional coldness, while another sees it as a sign of safety. One might view emotional expression as volatility, while the other sees it as honesty.

Meta-emotion isn’t just noticing what your partner feels: it’s the story you tell yourself about what those feelings mean. One partner might assume that visible frustration signals volatility or danger, while the other sees it as healthy expression. One person might interpret withdrawal as emotional shutdown, while the other sees it as self-regulation.

Think about the last time your partner seemed frustrated, but when you asked, they said they were just tired. If your emotional blueprint says that tiredness often leads to irritability, you might brace for conflict or shut down preemptively. If your blueprint says that tiredness is just fatigue and passes quickly, you’re less likely to be affected by it.

In other words, meta-emotion is the lens through which we determine the meaning and significance of our partner’s emotions, often without realizing we’re doing it. But why do these interpretations feel so real, even when they might be off base?

To understand that we need to look at how emotions are constructed in the brain. Contemporary neuroscience tells us that emotions aren’t hardwired circuits. Instead, they’re constructed experiences, synthesized from memories, bodily sensations, and the expectations we bring into each moment (2).

In this sense, emotions are more like stories; interpretations stitched together from our history, perceptions and sensations. That’s why even when we both name the same emotion, we don’t always agree on what it means or how it should be handled.

This is why meta-emotion mismatches can feel so destabilizing. One person wants closeness: the other wants distance. One seeks resolution; the other seeks calm. It’s easy to mistake those differences for signs of incompatibility, but they are often just a meta-emotion mismatch.

Consider Alex and Drew (3).

A Meta-Emotion Mismatch in Action

Alex grew up in a home where happiness was mandatory. If he was sad or angry, he was met with “Stop crying.” His family discouraged emotional expression, believing it led to unnecessary drama. Over time, Alex learned to suppress difficult emotions, especially during conflict. He prided himself on being “easygoing” and preferred to move past disagreements quickly.

Drew, on the other hand, was raised in a family that valued emotional authenticity. Her parents encouraged her to express her feelings, even if it meant difficult conversations. Disagreements were hashed out at the dinner table, and while things could get intense, she knew she was being heard.

Fast forward to their adult relationship: Alex and Drew are running into trouble. When Drew expresses frustration or sadness, Alex feels overwhelmed. To him, emotional discussions feel chaotic, even pointless, so he retreats. To Drew, Alex’s withdrawal feels like rejection, like he doesn’t care. She pushes harder to get him to engage, and he backs off even further.

Here, the meta-emotion mismatch is clear. Alex’s brain says that emotions lead to disorder, while Drew’s brain says that suppressing emotions leads to disconnection. Neither is wrong, but because they’re drawing on different meta-emotions, they end up unintentionally triggering each other and leave feeling totally misunderstood.

How to Bridge the Emotional Divide

Meta-emotion mismatches don’t have to spell doom for a relationship. Couples can learn to navigate these differences with curiosity and compassion. Here’s how.

1. Understand Your Own Emotional Blueprint
Before you can bridge the gap with your partner, you need to understand your own relationship to various emotions. Take some time to reflect:

• What was it like when you felt sad as a child?”

• Who did you go to when you were upset? How did they respond?

• Did your family encourage emotional expression or discourage it?

• How do you typically respond when emotions feel overwhelming?

• What do you need from your partner when you’re sad, stressed, or angry?

These stories often reveal how your emotional blueprint was shaped, and how what feels “natural” was something you learned.

For example, Alex might realize that he shuts down during conflict because his childhood taught him emotions were dangerous. Drew might recognize that her intensity stems from a fear of being ignored.

2. Share and Validate Each Other’s Emotional Stories
Once you’ve reflected on your own emotional history, share it with your partner. The goal isn’t to convince each other that one approach is right and the other is wrong, but to understand where these differences come from.

Alex might say:
"I realize that when you bring up a problem, I shut down because I learned as a kid that emotions make things worse. But I see that when I withdraw, it makes you feel abandoned, and that’s not what I want."

And Drew might respond:
"I push for emotional conversations because I equate talking things through with feeling close. But I see that my intensity can feel overwhelming for you. I don’t want to make you feel that way."

These exchanges create emotional safety, helping both partners feel understood rather than blamed.

3. Reframe Emotional Conflict as a Difference in Prediction, Not Character
When we’re in conflict, it’s easy to assume our partner’s reaction reflects who they are, or what they think of us. If they shut down, we might see them as uncaring. If they escalate, we might see them as overreacting. But these reactions aren’t about personality or intent. They’re about meta-emotion, not objective truths.

When Alex and Drew experience emotions differently, it’s not because one of them is being irrational. It’s because their brains are interpreting reality through different emotional blueprints.

Instead of thinking, “Alex rejects my emotions,” Drew can reframe it as, “Alex experiences emotions differently because of his upbringing.” Instead of, “Drew is always looking for a fight,” Alex might think, “Drew believes that talking through emotions brings us closer.” This shift from judgment to understanding reduces defensiveness and opens the door to empathy.

4. Create Shared Emotional Rituals
To bridge emotional differences, couples need habits that make both partners feel safe and create a shared emotional culture, with new norms for how feelings are noticed, expressed, and supported. A few ideas:

• Vibe check: Set aside time to ask, “How are you feeling today?” so emotions don’t only surface during conflict.

• Co-regulation techniques: If one partner tends to get overwhelmed, practice deep breathing or grounding exercises together before discussing tough topics.

• Nonverbal reassurance: A squeeze of the hand or a knowing nod can help a partner feel emotionally supported.

An effective way to build these habits is a State of the Union meeting, a weekly check-in focused on listening and understanding. This helps emotion-avoiding partners stay present while giving emotion-focused partners the space to feel heard.

These rituals support each partner’s emotional style while building a shared sense of safety and connection.

Constructing Connection: The Bigger Picture

Meta-emotion mismatches aren’t signs of incompatibility. They’re reflections of different emotional blueprints, shaped by our histories and expectations. By reflecting on our history, sharing stories, reframing patterns, and building new rituals, we can turn that disconnect into deeper intimacy.

Start with a simple question: How do you feel about feelings?

Then go deeper. The answers might surprise you.

1 Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.​

2 Barrett, L. F. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

3 Client vignettes are drawn from real cases in my therapy practice. Names, demographics, and other identifying information have been changed to protect confidentiality.