State of the Union Meetings
Strengthen youR relationship with weekly check-ins
Photo by taylor hernandez
Have you ever noticed how minor issues can accumulate over time? Between work, kids, and the general chaos of life, it’s easy for small disconnections to become larger conflicts.
But if you ask most couples why they don’t sit down to talk about their relationship until something is already going wrong, usually they say it’s that they don’t have time. But I’ve noticed that beneath the surface, having a regular check-in can feel a bit daunting or awkward, even anxiety-provoking.
I hope to convince you in this post that regular check-ins can make a huge difference in keeping your relationship strong. It’s just like doing regular maintenance on your house or car: with some thoughtful, proactive effort, problems can be prevented or at least identified before they get out of hand.
What Is a State of the Union Meeting?
The State of the Union is a structured weekly check-in where couples reflect on their relationship, high-five on what’s going well, and address any concerns before they become major issues. It’s designed to strengthen their connection, improve communication, and create a habit of proactive relationship maintenance rather than reactive damage control. It’s not about rehashing old fights or forcing uncomfortable conversations—it’s about making sure both partners feel heard, valued, and supported.
A structured check-in might sound awkward at first. Maybe it even feels like a trap—one of those “we need to talk” moments nobody likes. But done right, it’s not about blame or criticism. It’s about strengthening what’s working, addressing those little frustrations before they become major conflicts, and making sure both of you feel like you’re on the same team.
Research shows that when couples take the time to do this consistently, they fight less, communicate more effectively, and feel closer.
Really, it’s a no-brainer. And it’s not that hard. Here’s how to do it.
Preparing for the Conversation
Jumping straight into difficult topics is like starting a workout in the middle of a busy street with our heaviest weights. Instead, we are going to choose the right setting and take some time to warm up.
Choose a quiet, distraction-free environment. Turn off phones, close laptops, and ensure kids or pets are occupied. This is your protected time.
Start with gratitude. Share five things you appreciated about your partner over the past week. These can be simple things, like making coffee or sharing a laugh.
Be specific with your appreciation. Instead of saying, “Thanks for helping,” try, “I appreciated you cleaning up after dinner when I was tired—I felt supported.”
Starting with gratitude sets a positive tone. Research shows that thriving couples maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative statements. By focusing on appreciation first, we remind each other of the positives while building the habit of voicing them.
Structuring Your State of the Union
Once the tone is set, follow these steps to guide your conversation:
1. Reflect on the Past Week
Discuss what went well and explore any moments of disconnection. Focus on feelings and needs rather than blame. Use “I” statements. For example:
“When you came home late without texting, I felt worried and unimportant. I need more communication to feel secure.”
2. Listen with Curiosity
When your partner shares, really try to understand their perspective. Summarize what you hear:
“So when I didn’t text, that was stressful for you. I can understand that.
Validation reduces defensiveness and ensures both partners feel heard. If you don’t understand, ask an open-ended question:
“I get why you would be worried, but I’m not sure why you would feel unimportant. Can you say more about that?”
3. Take Responsibility
If you’ve hurt your partner, own it. Offer a sincere apology.
“I’m sorry I didn’t text. I can see how it made you feel worried and unimportant.”
Accountability fosters trust and repair. However, you don’t necessarily have to admit wrongdoing. This isn’t about blame – sometimes normal behavior for one person can cause hurt to another – it’s about taking responsibility for your actions and acknowledging the effect on your partner.
4. Collaborate on Solutions
Work together to address concerns. Solutions should meet both partners’ needs.
“I’m going to try to text you when I’m going to be late, but when I’m out entertaining clients I can lose track of time. Would you call me if you start to worry? That way we can be sure to connect.”
A Real-Life Example
Let’s see how Emily and Kris,* a married couple with a young child, used the State of the Union framework to address a recurring conflict. Emily works long hours and spends her evenings at the gym or work events, and that’s been leaving Kris feeling neglected and overwhelmed with parenting duties.
Notice that they are using the Gottman-Rapoport method of taking turns as the speaker and listener. This helps keep the conversation focused on one person’s experience at a time.
Emily as the Speaker:
Emily: “I feel hurt and frustrated when I leave the house, and we end up fighting. I need us to connect for a few minutes before I go out.”
Kris: “It sounds like you want some time together before you go out, otherwise it leaves you feeling disconnected. Hurt and frustrated, you said. Did I get that right?”
Emily: “Yes. Just asking me about my day or listening for a few minutes would help me feel like we’re on the same team.”
Kris: “That makes sense. You’ve had long days at work, and it’s important to feel connected before heading out again. I think I can do that, but let’s discuss how that would work.”
Kris as the Speaker:
Kris: “I feel angry and neglected because I don’t get much time with you. I miss laughing and having fun together. I need us to carve out more couple time.”
Emily: “So, you feel angry (at me, I think) because we don’t spend enough time together, and you need more quality time. Is that right?”
Kris: “Exactly. And it’s not just about me—I think Jacob needs more of your time, too.”
Emily: “I can understand that. I’ve been so busy, and I can see how that’s hard for you and Jacob. Let’s figure out how to make this work.”
Problem-Solving Together
Once both partners feel heard, it’s time to brainstorm solutions using the compromise ovals.
Draw two circles—a small one inside a larger one.
Non-negotiables go in the small circle. These are things you can’t give up.
Flexibles go in the larger circle. These are areas where you’re open to compromise.
For this issue, Emily’s non-negotiables were attending yoga three times a week and her weekly women’s group. Without these, she felt she would not be getting enough exercise to keep her healthy and she would lose the community of support she relies on to stay mentally balanced. Her other activities were more nice-to-haves, so she was flexible about dropping out of her book club and stepping down as PTO president.
Kris’s non-negotiables were that she wanted a regular weekly time with Kris, such as a State of the Union or a date night so that she felt reliably connected to Emily. She also wanted one evening of family time, like a game night or going out to eat just the three of them. Kris was flexible on the specific days or times for these activities and was open to what those activities were.
By focusing on core needs and flexibility, Emily and Kris found a solution: Emily agreed to skip book club and spend Thursday evenings at home, while Kris committed to connecting with her before evening activities.
I chose this example because it’s relatively straight-forward and uncomplicated by deeper issues. It goes without saying that not every problem is going to be so easy. This post describes what to do with more challenging problems.
Ending on a Loving Note
A great way to wrap up the meeting is to ask, “What can I do next week to make you feel more loved?” This not only reinforces our commitment to each other; it gives us some concrete ideas about what will make our partner’s week better.
For example:
“I’d feel really loved if we could have a lazy Sunday morning with no phones.”
“I’d love it if you sent me some sweet texts this week.”
Practice Makes Progress
Hosting a State of the Union meeting might feel awkward at first, especially if you’re not used to structured conversations. But consistency is key. Over time, these meetings can become a powerful ritual that nurtures connection and keeps you aligned as a team.
Remember, it’s not about having a perfect conversation. Missteps will happen—especially when emotions run high. The important thing is showing up and trying again.
Ready to Start?
Schedule your first State of the Union meeting. Start small—express gratitude, share one concern, and brainstorm a simple solution together.
With just one hour a week, you can deepen your communication, strengthen your connection, and build a relationship that thrives—even in the face of challenges.
*This example is based on a real couple in my therapy practice. I have changed their names, demographics, and other information to protect their identities.
If you would like more information on how to apply these concepts to your situation, schedule a free consultation.