Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner’s Feelings

Relationship SkillsGottman MethodFeelings and Emotion

Mar 8

Instead, ask: “Is there more to this?”

When I first meet a couple, I often hear “I feel misunderstood.”

One partner longs to be heard, while the other, often with the best intentions, jumps in to fix the problem and short-circuits the feelings their partner wants to express. The result is frustration, loneliness, and the sinking feeling that the person who’s supposed to be there for you just doesn’t get it.

The result is frustration, loneliness, and the sinking feeling that the person who’s supposed to be there for you just doesn’t get it.

At the heart of this disconnect is a fundamental truth: emotions aren’t problems to be solved. They’re not logical puzzles with a tidy answer. They simply are—as natural as breathing.

And yet, for many of us, negative emotions like sadness, anger, or fear are treated as something to fix or push away. But real connection isn’t about eliminating difficult feelings. It’s about making space for them.

Let’s look at a couple to see how this can play out.*

Jason and Emily

Jason finds his wife’s expressions of emotion overwhelming. When Emily gets upset, he jumps into problem-solving mode, trying to neutralize or fix her feelings before he even understands what’s wrong. To Emily, this feels dismissive, and over time she’s come to the conclusion that expressing her emotions makes her look irrational in his eyes.

The roots of this dynamic run deep. Emily grew up in a family where emotions, pleasant or painful, were accepted as part of being human. Anger, sadness, grief and joy were all treated as normal human experiences. Jason’s family, on the other hand, didn’t do negative emotions. If he expressed distress, they’d talk him out of it or tell him he was overreacting. Now, as an adult, intense negative emotions still trigger that old impulse to control or suppress. When Emily gets upset, he feels an almost automatic need to shut it down, just like his parents did. And she resents him for it.

Now both of them feel misunderstood.*

Jason’s Affect Phobia

Let’s talk about what’s happening with Jason in terms of a relatively common phenomenon known as affect phobia. Affect phobia is the avoidance of certain emotions due to underlying fear, shame, or conflict about experiencing or expressing them. Rooted in psychodynamic theory, it suggests that people learn early on—through family dynamics, culture, or past experiences—which emotions feel "safe”, and which feel overwhelming or unacceptable. As a result, they may suppress, dismiss, or even react negatively to their own or others' emotional expressions.

In relationships, this can happen when one partner struggles to tolerate the other’s distress and instinctively tries to fix, minimize, or shut down those emotions rather than sitting with them.

When Emily gets upset, Jason’s first instinct is to “fix” it, encouraging her to calm down or offering a quick solution. What he doesn’t realize is that Emily’s feelings get stronger when she feels unheard, a pattern she’s carried since adolescence. So his response not only makes Emily feel worse, it also causes the opposite effect he had intended, increasing rather than decreasing the intensity of her expression.

The Problem with Avoiding Emotions

I’ve seen Jason and Emily’s dynamic play out in a lot of couples over the years, and if you’ve experienced it then you know it doesn’t work. When emotions are dismissed, they don’t disappear, they either escalate or go underground, breeding resentment. And as psychologist Susan David points out, bottling emotions leads to diminished well-being and higher levels of anxiety and depression. Over time, that takes a toll—not just on you, but on your relationship.

Emily’s anger could have been an opening for Jason to listen, validate, and build intimacy. Instead, his affect phobia blocked him from responding in a more skillful way. But it doesn’t have to be that way – affect phobia responds very well to standard cognitive-behavioral approaches (such as cognitive restructuring, emotional expression, and exposure) as well as specialized psychodynamic approaches. Affect phobia can also be addressed directly in the couples therapy process though repeated exposure to the nature affects expressed in session.

Understanding Emotions as Opportunities

Every close relationship has room for a full spectrum of emotions, and when we share them we have a chance to connect more deeply. But if we grew up like Jason, learning to ignore or push aside difficult emotions, we might struggle to embrace these moments of connection.

To become a better witness to our partner’s strong emotions, it’s crucial to practice curiosity rather than reactivity: to pause instead of problem-solve, and to validate instead of dismiss. Rather than shutting emotions down, partners can support each other by simply being present, listening, and conveying, “I see you, and I’m here, so tell me more.”

When you take the time to understand why your partner feels the way they do, you gain insight into their inner world. Emotional connection isn’t about agreeing with their feelings, it’s about recognizing them as real and meaningful components of their lived experience.

Emily’s Feelings Are Not Jason’s Responsibility

Jason believes one of his primary roles in his marriage is to make Emily happy, which is admirable, but that doesn’t mean that he needs to fix Emily’s feelings. He doesn’t have that power – no one does. She is going to feel what she is going to feel, and his job isn’t to change her negative emotions – it’s to develop the patience and perspective needed be with her while she has them. As he began to do this, Emily felt safer, more understood, and more connected to him. And when emotional connection improves in a relationship, everything—communication, conflict resolution, sex—gets better.

Intimacy is about seeing our partner for who they are, not who we wish they’d be. In the Gottman Method, we call this attunement: the willingness to slow down, ask open-ended questions, and listen.

Instead of assuming we know what our partner means, we reflect back what we’ve heard: “Did I get that right? Am I understanding you correctly?” If not, let them clarify. And if you really want to go deeper, ask one simple but powerful question:

· "Is there more to this?"

This invitation often unlocks emotions your partner didn’t even realize they needed to express. It creates space for them to feel safe, seen, and valued.

Practical Tools for Attunement

How do you practice attuning to emotion? Here are a few tools:

· Resist the urge to solve or minimize. Instead, reflect back what you hear: “You’re feeling overwhelmed because work has been so stressful, and you need a break.”

· Focus on understanding, using phrases like “Am I understanding you correctly?”

· Ask open-ended questions, such as “What’s on your mind?” or “How does that make you feel?” These encourage your partner to open up rather than shut down.

Attunement is a superpower. The ability to deeply understand and connect with your partner’s emotions is a key to deeper intimacy. When you set aside the impulse to solve, defend, or dismiss, you create space for safety and joy in your relationship.

*This example is based on a real couple in my therapy practice, but I have changed their names, demographics, and other information to protect their identities.

*This week, I’m focusing on affect phobia, but that’s not the only way misunderstandings happen. This is a broad topic that we will be returning to again, so here is a brief introduction to some of the most common ways partners struggle to understand each other, each backed by established couples therapy research.

Differences in Communication Styles: One partner may prefer to discuss issues directly, while the other might withdraw or shut down, leading to misunderstandings about intentions or feelings.
Unmet Emotional Needs: When one partner feels emotionally neglected, they may interpret their partner’s actions (or inactions) as a lack of care or understanding, even if that’s not the intention.
Negative Interpretation of Bids for Connection: The Gottman Method highlights how partners' bids for connection can be misinterpreted, especially if one partner feels hurt or dismissed.
Defensiveness and Blame: Partners often respond defensively or with blame, rather than listening openly. This can create a communication block where neither feels heard.
Gender Differences in Expressing Emotion: Men and women often express emotions differently. Women might want to discuss feelings immediately, while men may need space. This dynamic can cause one partner to feel misunderstood or dismissed.
Unclear or Unspoken Expectations: When one partner has unmet expectations but never communicates them clearly, the other may feel confused or incapable of fulfilling them, leading to frustration and misunderstandings.
Cognitive Distortions: According to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), partners may fall into patterns of negative thinking, such as assuming their partner is always critical, selfish, or uncaring, when those feelings are not based on reality.
Attachment Styles: EFT also emphasizes how attachment patterns (secure, anxious, avoidant) can cause partners to misunderstand each other. An anxious partner may interpret emotional withdrawal as rejection, while an avoidant partner may feel overwhelmed by emotional demands.
Poor Listening: One partner might interrupt, over-talk, or problem-solve when the other just wants to be heard. This leads to a lack of understanding, as both partners feel they aren’t being listened to in the way they need.
Cultural or Family Differences: Family-of-origin dynamics or cultural backgrounds can shape how partners communicate. What seems like “normal” communication for one partner might be perceived as dismissive or invasive by the other.
Assumptions about the Partner's Feelings: Partners often assume they know what the other is feeling without directly asking, leading to projections and misinterpretations about each other’s emotional state.
Resentment over Unresolved Issues: If past grievances are not addressed, they can build up over time, creating a fog of misunderstanding in current interactions. These unresolved issues color every new conversation.
Emotional Flooding: According to the Gottman Method, when one partner is overwhelmed with emotions, they can become “flooded,” making it difficult to process the other person’s words or intentions clearly.
Lack of Empathy: If one partner doesn't actively try to understand the other’s perspective or emotions, they may appear indifferent or uncaring, leaving the other feeling misunderstood.
Power Imbalances: In relationships where one person dominates decision-making or communication, the other partner may feel silenced or invalidated, leading to feelings of being misunderstood or unimportant.