Your Mankeeping Scorecard

Who’s actually benefiting from your labor?

Photo by Mikhail Nilov

Mankeeping is the name some feminist researchers have recently given to a pattern many women know well: doing invisible emotional and social labor to keep the men in their lives connected, stable, and supported. It’s a provocative term, and despite some high-profile support, the backlash ranges from some who think the idea pathologizes basic relationship care, to others who feel it unfairly casts men as emotional dead weight, and those who see it as feminist hypocrisy lauding women and demonizing men.

Here is a list of some of the behaviors named or implied in the mankeeping conversation:

• Facilitating Emotional Expression

• Managing the Emotional Weather

• Encouraging or Facilitating Therapy

• Becoming the Primary Sounding Board

• Offering Identity-Affirming Praise

• Carrying the Social Load

• Managing His Image in Public

• Fostering and Maintaining His Friendships

• Coaching Him on How to Have Difficult Conversations

My take is a little different. I’m less interested in the culture war and more focused on what I see in the therapy room: when women engage in these behaviors, the results are mixed. Sometimes these efforts create closeness. Sometimes they breed resentment. It depends on the context of the relationship, the kind of partner they’re with, and what’s motivating the behavior.

These aren’t inherently unhealthy behaviors. In fact, most are just versions of basic relational care: things we all do in all kinds of partnerships. They tend to work best when they’re mutual, appreciated, and freely chosen. They tend to backfire when they’re used to manage anxiety, mask deeper imbalances, or subtly push a partner to be someone they’re not.

So below, I’ve sketched out how these behaviors tend to land and what makes them healthy, unhealthy, or somewhere in between. You’ll see typical reactions from average guys, contrasting takes from the men I work with, and a traffic-light score to help you reflect on how each dynamic plays out in your own relationship.

A green light (🟢) means the behavior is generally healthy and appropriate—something most partners appreciate when it’s done with care and clarity.

Yellow (🟡) means proceed with caution: the gesture might be well-intentioned, but it carries a common pitfall.

Red (🔴) means the behavior is likely doing more harm than good. Instead of pushing harder, consider whether this dynamic is working for you at all.

Facilitating Emotional Expression

Supporting men in identifying, articulating, and sharing their emotional experience.

Most guys: Please, stop.

My clients: Help me process, but don’t tell me how I should feel.

🟢 It’s healthy to talk about emotions in a relationship, especially when your partner welcomes the support.

🟡 Be careful not to take over the process. When your interpretations start to feel more accurate than his, it can become invalidating.

🔴 If you’re always initiating check-ins, steering the emotional narrative, or carrying the weight for both of you, you may be compensating for a lack of availability on his part. If you stopped doing so much, would you be happier? Would he?

Managing the Emotional Weather

Managing your own emotions while adapting to your partner’s so things don’t escalate.

Most guys: You mean not freak out or yell at me? Great!

My clients: The more we both can do this, the better off we’ll be.

🟢 Emotional co-regulation is part of relational maturity. If you’re better at staying calm under pressure, that can be a strength, especially if you both recognize and value it.
🟡 But if you’re always the one softening your tone and adjusting your behavior based on his moods, that can chip away at your own sense of freedom and fairness.
🔴 If you’re constantly swallowing your own reactions, scanning for signs he’s upset, and adjusting to keep the peace, that’s not co-regulation. It’s appeasement, and it’s not sustainable.

Encouraging or Facilitating Therapy

Acting as the bridge by researching options or making the first call.

Most guys: I have no interest in therapy.

My clients: I’ll call my guy when I’m ready. Let it go.

🟢 If your partner is depressed and one of the symptoms is that he can’t motivate himself to find a provider, offering help is a reasonable and caring kind of support.

🟡 I can tell when a man’s been “sent” to therapy. If he’s only there to placate his partner, the therapy rarely gets off the ground, leaving everyone more frustrated.

🔴 If your partner doesn’t want therapy, continued pushing is unlikely to help. Instead, tell him why it matters to you, then set clear boundaries around what you can and can’t do.

Becoming the Primary Sounding Board

Serving as the main support for emotional processing, venting, or stress relief.

Most guys: Why is that weird?

My clients: If this bothers you, I’m concerned.

🟢 Most of us lean on our partners for perspective and support. Being a sounding board is part of a healthy relationship, especially when it goes both ways.

🟡 Be careful not to assume that your discomfort means something is wrong with him. Ask yourself what feels heavy: the content, the constancy, or that you’re carrying it alone.

🔴 If your partner’s distress feels constant or scary, and you’re the only one holding it, know that most people can’t sustain that alone.

Offering Identity-Affirming Praise

Validating his sense of self and competence, sometimes on repeat.

Most guys: What, you don’t like me?

My clients: Of course I want praise, don’t you?

🟢 Healthy couples express fondness and admiration regularly. Praise makes our partner feel seen, and it helps us stay connected to what we genuinely appreciate.

🟡 Praise can feel off if it’s coaxed out of you, exaggerated, or doesn’t match how he actually shows up.

🔴 If you’re constantly propping up his self-esteem, the issue may be his underlying mental health. That’s not something praise can fix.

Carrying the Social Load

Taking primary responsibility for maintaining your shared social life.

Most guys: I could skip most of that stuff anyway.
My clients: Probably better. Then it’ll go how you want.

🟢 Being the default social director is real project management, but if you enjoy it and it works for both of you, great. Plenty of couples fall into complementary roles that feel fair, even if they aren’t symmetrical.

🟡 If it’s starting to wear on you, pay attention. It may be time to renegotiate. Also, notice if you’re always dragging him out the door. You may have different social needs.

🔴 If you’re not just planning shared events but also managing his obligations, you’re not coordinating, you’re compensating, and if you don’t stop, he probably never will.

Managing His Image in Public

Speaking on his behalf, explaining moods or, smoothing over awkward moments.

Most guys: Don’t talk about me behind my back.

My clients: If you think I messed up, I’d rather hear it from you.

🟢 A little help is fine: most couples do some social smoothing for each other. But it should feel collaborative, not like you're running interference.
🟡 If you’re often explaining his moods or behavior to others, ask yourself: are you trying to help them understand, or to manage your own discomfort with his demeanor?
🔴 If you’re routinely smoothing things over or spinning a more flattering version of events, you may be shielding him from consequences he needs to face.

Fostering and Maintaining His Friendships

Nudging male partners to reach out to friends or creating opportunities for male bonding.

Most guys: I don’t like your friend’s husband. Stop matchmaking.

My clients: Go out more with my friends? Hell yes.

🟢 Most people need time with friends, so encouraging that, when the timing and level of connection feel mutual, can be a healthy, supportive move.

🟡 Be careful not to create a double bind: wanting him to have more friends but resenting the time he spends with them.

🔴 Some people just aren’t that social and prefer hobbies or one-on-one time. If that leaves you feeling disconnected, don’t nag. Name your needs—more independence, shared community— and talk about what balance would feel better.

Coaching Him on How to Have Difficult Conversations

Helping them prepare for conflict with friends, coworkers or family.

Most guys: Only if I ask for it.

My clients: This is support we can both give each other.

🟢 Helping a partner prep for a tough conversation, like giving feedback to a friend or navigating a work issue, is a supportive, collaborative act between partners.

🟡 If you find yourself frequently rewriting his texts or rehearsing his delivery for him, it could be more about control than concern. That’s worth noticing.

🔴 If you’re always stepping in to shape how he communicates, that can lead to resentment, on your side or his, and he may never build that muscle himself.

Whatever your take on the term mankeeping, these behaviors are real. And if you’ve been in a long-term relationship, chances are you’ve done some version of them; out of love, habit, or hope. None of them is inherently good or bad. They can be generous or controlling, connective or corrosive. It all depends on the context, and the motivation behind them.

You don’t have to stop doing these things. But it’s worth asking what they’re costing you, and what kind of partnership you want to build.