You’re Not Losing, Bruh—You’re Listening
Accepting influence: the relationship power move you haven’t tried
Photo by RDNE
“I’m not trying to control you,” she said, trying to stay calm. “I just want to feel like what I say matters.”
He didn’t know what to say to that. He thought of himself as a reasonable guy. He paid the bills, kept his cool, and didn’t micromanage her choices. But somehow, she often felt dismissed—and he often felt under attack.
I see this kind of disconnect regularly. One partner feels ignored, like their opinions don’t carry weight. The other feels confused, like they’re being blamed for having boundaries or preferences. And when the conversation escalates, they both dig in.
The antidote to this cycle? Accepting influence.
What Does It Mean to Accept Influence?
To accept influence means letting your partner’s needs, opinions, and emotions meaningfully shape your decisions and behavior. It doesn’t mean giving up your values, getting pushed around, or agreeing to things you’re not okay with. It means being open to changing course—not out of obligation, but out of respect and care.
It sounds simple. But in practice, many of us struggle with it—especially us men.
Why It’s Especially Hard for Men
Dr. John Gottman, one of the most influential relationship researchers of the last 50 years, found a striking correlation:
In heterosexual relationships that succeed, men accept their partner’s influence. In those that fail, they generally don’t.*
This doesn’t mean women are perfect at it. But in Gottman’s research, women were more likely to already consider their partner’s views. The men in happy marriages didn’t always agree, but they stayed emotionally engaged and open to their wife’s input. They made decisions together.
By contrast, the men in unhappy relationships had a habit of resisting influence—by stonewalling, dismissing, or defending. Over time, that defensiveness created a toxic pattern of withdrawal on their part, and criticism and contempt on their wives’ part, in a classic Four Horsemen death spiral.
Why is this so common? There are a few reasons:
Social conditioning: Many men are taught to equate independence with strength, and compromise with weakness.
Emotional discomfort: It’s hard to stay present when someone’s upset with you—especially if you feel misunderstood or ashamed.
Misunderstanding boundaries: Some men fear that accepting influence means giving up control or agreeing with everything. But influence is not the same as submission.
Faith traditions: Some men believe that spiritual leadership means their voice should carry more weight or give them the final say.
When the Reverse is True
It’s important to acknowledge that sometimes—more often than a lot of people think—the reverse dynamic occurs, with the woman in a heterosexual relationship holding more influence or control, leaving the man feeling overpowered or henpecked.
Regardless of gender—or sexual orientation as this dynamic isn’t exclusive to heterosexual couples—if we find ourselves in the position of having less influence in the relationship, it’s essential to find a way to assert our needs while remaining open to our partner’s perspective. This might involve having honest, clear conversations about how we feel and what we need, while also showing a willingness to hear our partner’s perspective. This isn’t always easy at the beginning, but when both partners engage in this way, the relationship usually start to become more balanced.
Let’s dive a bit deeper into how we can begin to practice accepting influence, regardless of where we fall in this dynamic.
Jason and Emily
Jason and Emily came into therapy stuck in a loop.** Jason felt like nothing he did was good enough. Emily felt like Jason never really understood her.
One night, Emily told Jason she didn’t feel emotionally supported. “When I’m upset,” she said, “you either disappear or try to talk me out of my feelings. I want you to be with me while I’m having those feelings, not try to solve them.”
Jason immediately got defensive. “I am here. You’re saying I’m not supportive just because I think about it differently.”
That response made sense to Jason—he felt attacked, and he was trying to defend himself. But from Emily’s perspective, her feelings had been invalidated again.
The turning point came when Jason learned to accept influence in moments like that. Instead of arguing, he started saying things like, “I get why that upset you,” or “Tell me what would help.” He stayed present. He let her emotions register. He adjusted—even when it was hard.
That didn’t make him passive. It made him emotionally responsive. And it changed the dynamic for them.
What Accepting Influence Is Not
I know that there can be a lot of objections to this approach, especially if it feels like we’re not getting our needs met. So let’s go through all the things that accepting influence isn’t.
· It’s not agreeing to everything: Accepting influence doesn’t mean saying “yes” to everything. It’s about considering your partner’s perspective while staying true to your own values.
· It’s not giving up your autonomy: Accepting influence doesn’t mean losing control of your life. It’s about being open to collaboration, not sacrificing your individuality.
· It’s not suppressing your own feelings: Acknowledging your partner’s feelings doesn’t mean ignoring your own. Healthy influence involves expressing your feelings while respecting theirs.
· It’s not avoiding conflict at all costs: Accepting influence isn’t about dodging tough conversations. It’s about engaging in difficult discussions with care, even when they’re uncomfortable.
· It’s not ignoring your own needs: Listening to your partner’s needs doesn’t mean neglecting your own. Accepting influence requires ensuring your happiness and well-being are also prioritized.
· It’s not giving in to manipulation: Influence should be mutual, not manipulative. Accepting influence means standing firm on your values while remaining open to your partner’s input.
· It’s not a one-way street: Influence is not just about one person changing. It’s about both partners adjusting and influencing each other in a balanced way.
· It’s not surrendering your voice: Accepting influence doesn’t mean going passive. You should still actively contribute, with your opinions and desires valued equally.
· It’s not submission: Accepting influence isn’t about one person dominating the relationship. It’s about making space for both voices to be heard and decisions to be made collaboratively.
Accepting influence means choosing to take our partner’s inner world seriously, even when we might disagree, by remembering that their reality is as real for them as ours is for us. It means listening with curiosity instead of defensiveness, and letting it move us—even just a little.
How to Practice Accepting Influence
Here are a few ways to build this muscle:
Pause the reflex to defend. If your partner shares a complaint, try starting with: “That makes sense,” or “I didn’t see it that way—tell me more.”
Look for the need behind the complaint. If your partner says, “You never plan date nights anymore,” the deeper need might be: “I miss feeling special to you.” That’s the influence to accept. If you feel criticized, try a repair statement.
Be willing to change—even a little. It’s easy to say “I hear you,” but real influence shows up in your behavior. When you adjust something based on their needs, that’s when your partner really feels seen.
Speak your truth with warmth. Accepting influence doesn’t mean erasing yourself. You can say, “I care about what you’re saying, and I also want to explain where I’m coming from.” That’s mutuality, not submission.
What Happens When We Accept Influence
When we make this shift, the results can be dramatic:
Arguments de-escalate faster.
We feel more connected, more respected, and less alone.
Sex and affection can increase, because emotional responsiveness is a turn-on.
Kids benefit, too, when they witness mutual respect at home.
In short, it pays off.
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to cave, surrender, or lose yourself to build a healthy relationship. But if your default mode is to resist, dismiss, or avoid your partner’s influence, your relationship may stay stuck where it is.
Accepting influence isn’t weakness. It’s leadership. It’s strength. It’s love in action.
So the next time your partner says, “You’re not listening,” don’t double down. Ease up. Lean in. Ask a question. Stay with them. And let what they say matter to you—because they matter to you.
That’s how relationships grow.
*Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(1), 5–22. https://doi.org/10.2307/353438
*Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (Revised ed.). Harmony Books.
**This example is based on a real couple in my therapy practice, but I have changed their names, demographics, and other information to protect their identities.