Negative Sentiment Override

How chronic resentment hijacks conversations

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Have you ever been caught off guard by your partner’s response to what seemed like an innocuous comment? Maybe you said, “This takeout is delicious, isn’t it?” only to hear back, “You never appreciate my cooking!” Or perhaps you mused, “We really need a vacation,” and they replied, “What do you want me to do—quit my job?”

If these moments leave you confused and deflated, you’re not alone. What starts as a simple comment spirals into conflict, often leaving both of you feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. And if these situations become more common, despite craving closeness you might even stop trying to connect. Reaching out can start to feel punishing.

So, what’s happening here?

Negative Sentiment Override

What may be going on is something called negative sentiment override—a concept rooted in Gottman Method research—when unresolved resentments from past interactions create a filter that colors current communication.

In these moments, our partner may perceive our neutral or even positive comments as negative because our words have triggered feelings of resentment about past experiences. For example, memories of feeling dismissed, ignored, or unimportant—whether due to unintentional lateness, a perceived lack of support, or repeated misunderstandings—can build up over time and become activated during conversations, shaping how our partner interprets and responds to our words.

Although for us these reactions seem to come out of the blue, for our partner they are logically and experientially connected to reservoirs of negative feeling that have built up over time. When activated, our interactions can become fraught with criticism, defensiveness, and even contempt.

Worse still, if this dynamic goes unchecked, we may develop our own reservoir of resentment connected to our partners chronic negativity, which can push both of us into a broader cycle of negative sentiment override.

When that happens, any attempt at conversation can feel like navigating a minefield.

What the Research Says

Decades of research* have shown that positive and negative sentiment override play a crucial role in relationship dynamics. In one study, couples experiencing distress were more likely to interpret neutral statements negatively, while those in happier relationships often viewed even mildly negative statements through a positive lens.

For example, a distressed partner might hear, “I miss our vacations,” as a complaint or critique, while a non-distressed partner might respond with warmth: “I miss them too—let’s plan something!”

Negative sentiment override is more common in distressed relationships and is often associated with destructive communication habits like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling). Over time, these patterns erode trust and deepen emotional disconnection.

Breaking the Cycle

If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in a pattern of conflict and miscommunication, and you suspect negative sentiment override, know that change is possible. Here are some strategies to help you move forward:

1. Listen to Understand, Not to Defend
   Emotional injuries often fuel negative sentiment override. Your partner may be carrying unresolved pain from moments where they felt unheard or unsupported. Take time to listen without jumping into to defend yourself. Ask open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me more about how that felt?” and validate their experience.

2. Keep the Four Horsemen at Bay
   Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling are relationship killers. Instead of defaulting to these patterns, focus on sharing deeper feelings and needs. For example, rather than saying, “You never prioritize me,” try, “I’ve been feeling lonely and could really use more time with you.”

3. Take Responsibility Where You Can
   Practice the art of yielding to win. There’s no “winning” in a relationship when we invalidate our partner’s experience just to prove a point. If your partner shares a hurt, resist the urge to dismiss it. Instead, acknowledge your role and express empathy. A simple, “I see how that hurt you, and I’m sorry,” can go a long way.

4. Practice Self-Soothing
   When emotions run high, take a break. Let your partner know you’re feeling upset or overwhelmed and need a half hour to calm down before continuing the conversation. This prevents misunderstandings and allows both of you to return to the discussion with a clearer head.

Moving Forward

Breaking the cycle of negative sentiment override takes patience and effort, but it’s worth it. By addressing the underlying resentment, fostering empathy, and practicing healthy communication, you can rebuild trust and create a stronger, more connected relationship.

*Selected research:

Hawkins, M. W., Carrere, S., & Gottman, J. M. (2002). Marital Sentiment Override: Does It Influence Couples’ Perceptions? Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(1), 193–201.

Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Hillsdale: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. W. W. Norton.

Gottman, J. M., & Krokoff, L. J. (1989). Marital interaction and satisfaction: A longitudinal view. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 57(1), 47–52. 

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1999). What predicts change in marital interaction over time? A study of alternative models. Family Process, 38(2), 143–158.

Robinson, E. A., & Price, M. G. (1980). Pleasurable behavior in marital interaction: An observational study. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 48, 117–118.

Weiss, R. L. (1980). Strategic behavioral relationship therapy: Toward a model for assessment and intervention. In J. P. Vincent (Ed.), Advances in family intervention, assessment and theory (Vol. 1, pp. 229–271). Greenwich: JAI Press.

If you would like more information on how to apply these concepts to your situation, schedule a free consultation.