Your Relationship Checkup
How to tell if you’re on solid ground.
Photo by René Ranisch
Most of us don’t stop to observe our relationship when things are going smoothly. We’re in sync. We read each other’s moods. We laugh at the same stuff. Things feel easy.
But over time, even the strongest relationships can start to feel a little off. Maybe we’re bickering more. Or disengaging. We find ourselves wondering, Are we still good?
This article provides an opportunity to reflect on where your relationship feels strong and where it may need some help, using the principles of the Sound Relationship House, an evidence-based model developed by the Gottman Institute through decades of research on thousands of couples. It outlines nine key areas that support lasting connection: from friendship and intimacy to managing conflict and creating shared meaning.
Gottman Institute
Level 1: Build Love Maps
How well do you know your partner’s inner world?
Not just their favorite ice cream flavor or their coffee order, but the contours of their inner life. What are they hoping for this year? Who are they feeling close to? What are they worried about?
The Gottman Method calls this your Love Map: your mental model of who your partner is, how they’re doing, and what matters to them. It’s not static. It needs regular updating, especially as life changes: new jobs, aging parents, shifting goals.
When Melissa started crying after dinner, Jason thought it was about the dishes. He didn’t realize she’d just gotten some news from her sister, who had been waiting on a series of lab results. She hadn’t told him about any of it, because lately, he hadn’t been asking.
In strong relationships, partners stay curious. They ask real questions, not just logistical ones. And they listen for the feeling beneath the words. Neglecting this layer doesn’t always feel dramatic. It can look like getting along on the surface while slowly losing track of each other underneath.
Reflections:
If someone asked me what’s been weighing on my partner lately, would I know?
Do they know what’s been going on with me?
When’s the last time we talked about something that wasn’t logistics, parenting, or screens?
Updating your Love Map isn’t about checking boxes. It’s about showing up with curiosity.
Level 2: Share Fondness and Admiration
Every relationship needs a steady stream of positive regard. It means noticing the good in your partner and saying it out loud often enough that both of you feel seen and appreciated.
“I love how you handled that call with your mom,” James said as he passed Maya the salad. It wasn’t a big moment, but she smiled because she felt seen and valued.
Fondness and admiration are the antidotes to contempt, which is relationship poison. With fondness and admiration, we’re more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt, and less likely to fall into chronic irritation or criticism. We feel safer, warmer, more connected.
The key is not just feeling appreciation but expressing it. A quick “Thanks for taking the trash out,” or “I love how your brain works.” Especially when stress is high, these moments can tip the emotional balance into the positive.
When fondness fades, it doesn’t mean love is gone. It might just mean positive regard has gotten buried under stress, resentment, or emotional fatigue.
Reflections:
Do I still tell my partner what I admire about them?
Are we more often trading appreciation or irritations?
Have I lost touch with what I love about them?
This level isn’t about flattery. It’s about choosing to see and name the good in each other, even when life gets messy.
Level 3: Turn Toward Instead of Away
In every relationship, we make small bids for connection. A touch. A glance. A passing comment that says, I’m here, are you with me?
How we respond to those bids matters more than we think.
“Ugh, what a day,” Jenna muttered as she dropped her bag. Sam kept scrolling. She didn’t bring it up again.
In strong relationships, partners turn toward these bids: they respond, even in small ways. It might be a follow-up question, a smile, a touch on the arm. These responses don’t need to be a grand gesture. They just need to land.
When we turn away: when we ignore, brush off, or miss each other’s bids, connection slowly frays. When we turn against those bids, with irritation, sarcasm, or contempt, it unravels even faster.
No one responds perfectly all the time. But Gottman’s research shows that in happy relationships, partners turn toward each other about 85% of the time. That consistency builds a kind of emotional safety net.
Reflections:
When my partner makes a small bid, do I respond?
When I reach out, do I feel met, or missed?
What are our most frequent missed moments, and why might that be?
Turning toward isn’t just about paying attention. It’s about showing up, even in ordinary moments, as someone who wants to connect.
Level 4: The Positive Perspective
When a relationship is working well, we tend to see each other in a positive light. We give the benefit of the doubt. We assume good intentions. And when something goes wrong, we’re more likely to think that was a mistake, not that’s just who they are.
That’s the positive perspective.
But here’s the thing: a positive perspective on our partner isn’t something we can create directly. It’s not a skill: it’s a result of the other systems working well. When we feel known (love maps), appreciated (fondness and admiration), and emotionally connected (turning toward), positive feelings naturally emerge. It becomes the emotional tone of the relationship.
When the tone is positive, a missed text feels like forgetfulness, not rejection. A stressed-out sigh isn’t an attack, it’s a bid for connection.
When the opposite happens, when the emotional climate turns persistently negative, it’s called negative sentiment override, and it can make even neutral or positive moments turn sour.
After a rough morning, Theo forgot to say goodbye before leaving for work. When Jamie felt close, it just meant he was distracted. But when things were tense, it felt like he didn’t love her anymore.
The positive perspective doesn’t mean ignoring problems or pretending everything’s fine. It means the emotional climate is naturally warm enough to give our partner the benefit of the doubt.
Reflections:
Do I generally assume good intentions from my partner, or am I scanning for signs of neglect?
How often do I soften my interpretation of their behavior or sharpen it?
Is our emotional climate shaped more by warmth or by suspicion?
You can’t force a positive perspective. When the relationship is in good shape, it will show up on its own. When it’s negative, that’s a sign the relationship needs our attention.
Level 5: Manage Conflict
Conflict is inevitable. What matters is how we handle it.
In the Gottman framework, managing conflict doesn’t mean never fighting. It means having more productive, less distressing conflicts. It means being able to work through disagreements without eroding trust, affection, or emotional safety. Happy couples have plenty of conflict; they’re just better at it.
Gottman Method research highlights several core skills that help couples keep conflict constructive.
Accepting influence: taking your partner’s perspective seriously, even when you disagree.
Art of compromise: finding common ground, even when values or desires differ.
Being a good listener: staying present and responsive, not just waiting for your turn to speak.
Distinguishing solvable from perpetual problems: not every conflict has a clean resolution.
Making repair attempts: small efforts to de-escalate and reconnect to keep conflicts productive.
Preventing emotional flooding: stepping back when emotions get too hot to think clearly.
Taking turns: slowing down the conversation so each person feels fully heard.
Using soft startup: raising issues gently, without blame.
When Shira brought up finances, Liam got defensive fast. The conversation started to spiral, until she paused, took a breath, and said, “Can we try that again?” Later, Liam admitted, “I wasn’t even hearing you. I just felt blamed.” With softer startups and taking turns listening, conflicts become more manageable, even when things get tense.
Most conflicts don’t escalate because of the issue itself, but about how conflicts unfold. Maladaptive conflict patterns shape the health of the relationship far more than the disagreements do.
Reflections:
When we fight, do we try to win or understand?
Can I stay present when my partner is upset?
Do we recover well after arguments or stay stuck?
Managing conflict isn’t about avoiding conflict, it’s about learning how to navigate it productively, without escalation.
Level 6: Make Life Dreams Come True
In strong relationships, partners don’t just tolerate each other’s goals, they invest in them.
Sometimes that means logistical support: adjusting schedules, managing money, making room for new ideas. But at its core, this level is about emotional backing: showing your partner that what matters to them matters to you too.
When Anjali said she wanted to go back to school, David panicked about the budget. But instead of shutting it down, he asked questions. Listened. Took a few days to think. Eventually he said, “I want to find a way to make this work for both of us.” That conversation deepened her trust in him.
Making life dreams come true isn’t always about big goals like career shifts or cross-country moves. It’s about smaller, deeply personal hopes: wanting more time for creativity, feeling free to parent differently than your family did, exploring a part of yourself that’s been on hold.
When we feel supported in our dreams, we feel chosen; not just as we are, but as who we’re becoming. That kind of support builds trust, intimacy, and a shared sense of purpose.
Reflections:
Do I know what my partner is dreaming about these days?
Do I feel like my own hopes are welcomed or quietly sidelined?
Are we able to talk about our longings without it becoming just logistics or shutdown?
Supporting each other’s dreams isn’t always easy. But when couples can make space for each other’s growth, they grow stronger together.
Level 7: Create Shared Meaning
Every relationship is also a culture.
Over time, couples develop shared values, inside jokes, family rituals, and private ways of doing things. Some of them are deliberate. Much of it just happens, and when partners stay emotionally connected, those shared meanings tend to grow stronger and deepen that sense of us.
This level is about more than date nights or parenting philosophies. It’s about how we move through the world together. What do we believe matters? How do we celebrate? What’s sacred to us and what isn’t?
When Mei insisted on Friday night dinners, Alex rolled his eyes at first. But over time, it became their thing. No phones, good food, playlists that reminded them of college. It wasn’t fancy but it was meaningful.
Creating shared meaning doesn’t require identical beliefs. It’s about making room for each other’s values and slowly creating new ones together. That might include faith or politics. It might be the way you do birthdays, or how you make sense of big decisions.
When this level is strong, couples feel more resilient. Life’s chaos feels less disorienting when you’re rooted in a shared story.
Reflections:
What small rituals or traditions feel grounding in our relationship?
Do we have a sense of shared direction or are we just coexisting?
How do we make meaning together when things are joyful? What about when they’re hard?
Creating shared meaning is a slow build, but it’s one of the things that makes a relationship feel like home.
Level 8: Trust
Trust isn’t just about fidelity or honesty. It’s about something deeper: the felt sense that our partner has our back.
Trust builds when partners act in ways that say, again and again, I’m here for you. I’m not just in this for myself.
After Lina's mom was diagnosed, Kevin started driving her to every appointment, even the ones she hadn’t asked about. She never forgot that.
Trust is cumulative. It grows in small, everyday moments: following through on a promise, speaking up when something feels off, defending your partner in a tense conversation. It also grows through repair: when we mess up, own it, and choose to reconnect instead of retreat.
When trust is strong, partners feel safe being vulnerable. When it’s shaky, even small missteps can feel threatening.
Reflections:
Do I trust that my partner considers my needs when making decisions?
Do they trust me to do the same?
Can we talk about breaches of trust, small or large, without spiraling into escalation or shutdown?
Trust isn’t a fixed trait. It’s built through how we show up for each other, again and again.
Level 9: Commitment
Commitment isn’t just staying. It’s choosing the relationship, again and again, especially when things get hard.
Commitment means believing we’re in this for the long haul and acting in ways that protect and strengthen the relationship over time. It’s an active stance: a way of moving through conflict and uncertainty without keeping one foot out the door.
“We’ll figure this out,” Alex said after a brutal fight. Lina didn’t know how they’d fix it, but hearing that steadiness meant a lot to her.
Commitment creates a sense of shared fate. When it’s strong, partners feel secure enough to be honest, take risks, and grow, even when the road gets bumpy. When it’s weak, even minor bumps can feel destabilizing.
Reflections:
Do we both feel like we’re in this together?
When things get hard, do we double down on the relationship or start to pull away?
Do we treat our relationship as something to maintain and protect or something that should fix itself?
Commitment isn’t just about staying. It’s about staying connected, even when it’s hard.
Wrapping Up
The Sound Relationship House can be like a mirror: an invitation to notice where your relationship feels strong and where it might need some care.
If you’re curious to take a closer look, the official Gottman Relationship Checkup is available here. It’s a research-based tool that many couples find eye-opening. (I’m not affiliated with it, and there’s a fee if you decide to try it.)
Remember, this work isn’t about becoming perfect partners. It’s about staying engaged in the ongoing practice of seeing, understanding, and caring for each other as you build your shared life.